What I learned on my summer vacation

I spent this past week in NH with my family, just chilling out.  I haven't been on vacation since Christmas, unless you count the two weeks of medical leave in February when my mom had to come stay with me in SF because my medication stopped working and I was severely depressed and generally not ok, which I don't. Overall, it wasn't very eventful - went to see some movies, slept a lot, went to the beach, slept some more, read a crappy novel, drank some wine, pet the dog, ate potato salad.  It was nice.

I was supposed to leave this afternoon for SF from Logan.  My parents very kindly drove me down to the airport.  Online, it said my flight was only delayed an hour, but of course when I got there it was canceled due to terrible, terrible things happening.  So now I am due to fly on Tuesday, all flights tomorrow being completely booked.

What was weird, though, is that my first emotion upon learning I couldn't fly out tonight was unadulterated panic at not being in the office tomorrow.  I found myself freaking out, thinking, "But I have meetings!  They will be mad if I am not there!  I will get in trouble!"  My heart rate rose and I started sweating like a damned pig.  It took me five minutes to talk sense into myself and realize that I would just have to work remotely tomorrow and Tuesday morning and then fly back Tuesday afternoon and, you know, NO ONE WOULD DIE (and, also, probably no one would be mad).   It would be fine.  I re-booked my flight and came back home.

It got me thinking, though, about my relationship to my job.  I have worked for my present company for six years (come August) and have always done well.  I've been promoted several times and have more responsibility and all sorts of good stuff.  I've only rarely had a manager who was weird about working remotely or scheduling issues or taking vacation.  And yet, I'm ALWAYS terrified that I am going to get fired.  Every. Single. Day.  It's not a mild anxiety, mind you - it's a pure terror.  Every quarter we get a performance review, and every quarter I hear some variation of the same story: "you're doing great, you have things to work on and here they are, but you are awesome at xyz and are great at these things so have a good quarter."  And EVERY quarter, I dread that meeting as if it is the Red Wedding.  I have nightmares about getting fired, thrown out on my ass, being told that I am terrible and useless and a waste of space.  This past week, on vacation, I had a nightmare almost every night about work.  The dreams are always similar: someone in a position of authority (one of my managers or a senior-level client) telling me that I've made a terrible mistake or messed something up and that they know this is a hard message to hear but today is my last day. And I wake up in a cold sweat and remember that it wasn't real...and fall back asleep to resume the next horror-firing scenario.

This isn't normal, right?  Other people don't live in constant dread of losing their job for non-existent reasons?  I mean, it would be one thing if my company weren't doing well and there were layoffs, or if I'd ever been given feedback that would lead me to believe that I was doing poorly, but...this is not the case.  Like, it is not normal for me to say to myself: "Ok, there was a tragic crash at my home airport that means I will have to come home from my vacation a couple days later than planned and work remotely in the meantime - THEY ARE SO GONNA FIRE ME FOR THIS!"  These are insane thoughts, right?

I'm not sure what to do about them.  I guess I should talk to my therapist about it more openly (YES I AM A YUPPIE WOMAN IN SF WITH A THERAPIST, DEAL WITH IT) because what I'm really worried about is what is going to happen if and when I do get fired from a job one day.  Let's be honest, it will probably happen - I'll be in a job that isn't right for me, or I'll get laid off, or the aliens will come to destroy us and all the employers will shut down because, you know, ALIENS.  How will I react then?  Will I collapse and never leave my bed again because something bad actually happened?  Will I become a hippie barista and open a coffee shop that only serves organic coffee made from beans grown in a cave off the coast of Ireland and flown over to the U.S by kite?  Will I join a startup (this last one seems most likely, actually)?

In any case, what I learned on my summer vacation is that I am batshit crazy per the usual, so...nothing new, I suppose.  I'm off to bed soon to prepare for my day of working remotely and steeling myself for the inevitable firing ;)

Recovering from the 'rents and philosophizing...

It was a good, if tiring, weekend until this morning. My parents came in Thursday night for my team's Take Your Parents to Work Day on Friday (yes, this is a thing that happened because the trophy kids will NOT grow up) and stayed until this morning. Luckily, the weather yesterday was beautiful so we were able to walk around my neighborhood, check out the progress at Ground Zero (which they haven't seen since before they started work on the memorial), and then head up Broadway to Union Square. We had a great time checking out the farmers' market and my mom and I both bought wine while my dad, who is newly sober again (long story) tried not to seem too bored. After a late lunch, we came home for a nap (Indian Engineer Roommate and Colombian Roommate are both out of town so we had my still-cramped apartment to ourselves) and then went out again for a late movie, Jane Eyre. I definitely prefer the one with Charlotte Gainsbourg (more talking; less pacing and gazing out of windows) but it was very well-done. Mia WasikowskIwasinAliceinWonderland did a great job, I have to say - the first time I've seen her actually act in a film as opposed to stalking around looking angry (*cough*The Kids are All Right*cough*). No idea who the guy playing Rochester was, but, as usual, he was waaaay too hot (I actually thought they did a good job of making Mia plain). I give it three out of five; a good time, but if it gets any Oscar nods I'm going to get pissed.

Anyways, after breakfast this morning, the 'rents left, and then I started getting anxious. It was an even more gorgeous day than yesterday, so I tried to distract myself: I walked around the seaport, picked up a couple things at the Duane Reade, went up on the roof to get some sun and read the newest (and terriblest) Janet Evanovich, cleaned up the apartment - no dice. I just kept worrying about the week ahead - a chronic problem I have on Sundays - and getting an increasingly big pit in my stomach. I made the mistake of checking work email and saw some really annoying ones that threw me into a tizzy. I drank 2 glasses of wine, ate an entire Lindt chocolate bar and felt extremely ill. I wanted to cry.

Then I went on Twitter (social media saves the day omg!) and saw this post that someone had retweeted. Reading it really turned the day around. As I was reading and perusing the comments, I remembered that some of my happiest days were ones when nothing "great" happened - I just found satisfaction in little things, like sunshine or the sound of running water in the little stream in my parents' front yard in NH, or watching a street performer playing or singing his heart out and obviously loving it in the subways of NYC. I've been contemplating life changes recently and trying to figure out what will make me happy - the right job, the right apartment, the right city, the right people around me - but the truth is, I know from experience that tweaking any of these aspects of my life will not necessarily make me happier. They may provide distractions or new opportunities, but newness alone always wears off after awhile (case in point: NYC). If and when things change, I will be more content with my future life if I start practicing now by concentrating on the positive every day. I have to think more about what's good about my life now, which, to be honest, is a lot. I have a great apartment in a gorgeous building in one of the greatest cities in the world. My immediate coworkers are great people and even though my clients may drive me absolutely nuts they rely on me, which says a lot about my work. I have enough money to pay the bills and have fun. I'm independent and, no matter what I say sometimes, content being single, which means I'm able to take the time to go out and meet new people and have fun with them without stressing myself out about getting married in the next five minutes (though, admittedly, the whole process of dating does still stress me out, but maybe a new perspective can change that too). I get to travel both domestically and internationally for free with work, which I do really love. I have the best parents and little brother in the world, and some of the best friends anyone could wish for. I have my health and am working harder than I have in a long time to be in the best shape I can be in. I have a lot.

So, my mission this week is to do everything I can to find the good in each day and even in each moment - even in the stressful stuff. I'll expect the best, prepare for the worst, and remember that although nothing is perfect I can still be happy with myself and the good things around. If I lack control over the events of each day, at least I can control my response to those events. Whether it's a bad meeting or a bad date, no one can affect how I feel about myself but me.

And with that, please enjoy Stephen Colbert's version of Rebecca Black's Friday. Talk about finding the best in everything...