"Captain, I'm sensing that we're totally screwed..."

So, after a pretty stressful and shitty day at work that actually had nothing at all to do with me, I've determined that I am an empath. No, this does not mean that I am capable of sensing that Admiral Ackbar Picard of the Klingon Federation is plotting against the Q race or something like the immensely talented woman pictured here, though that would come in handy should Obama's communist policies somehow get the US involved in an interstellar war. However, this does mean that some days my life can totally, totally suck giant balls.

If you're too lazy to follow the link (you know who you are), the empath quiz from the article is below. Ask yourself these questions - if you answer "yes" to 3 or more you are fairly-to-totally empathic. My own answers, for your entertainment, are in line in italics:

• Have I been labeled as "too emotional" or overly sensitive? Fuck, yes. When I was four my parents took me to see 'The Little Mermaid' in theaters and I overreacted so badly to the giant octopus woman at the end that I thrashed around and flailed and wrenched my neck. My head was stuck to one side for days.
  


• If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too? Yes and then I feel guilty for thinking of my own distress rather than my friend's and descend into a guilt/shame spiral. Nice, right?
  


• Are my feelings easily hurt? I sometimes feel like crying when people ask me to lower my voice in, say, a library if I'm talking too loudly. So...yes.


• Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive? If you've ever seen me in Times Square you know the answer to this one.
  


• Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk? I get anxiety attacks when I see smokers up ahead of me on the sidewalk and have held my breath for minutes on end to avoid sniffing weird cooking food smells in my apartment building's hallways.
  


• Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please? Even better - in NYC you can just call a cab, 24/7 and escape at any time!
  


• Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress? I consumed, like, 1500 calories in nachos tonight after work because my coworker - not me, but my coworker - was having a bad day.
  


• Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships? My imaginary boyfriend Joe doesn't seem to think so, but he also enjoys watching the 'Twilight' films and reading Jane Austen in bed with me, so who knows?
  

On the bright side, it's nice to have a category for my personal brand of Totally Fucked Up. On the other hand, the only suggestions people seem to have to offer to deal with my tendency to absorb the negative energy of everyone and everything around me is to meditate and breathe and shit. And you know what? That crap just doesn't work; sorry. I've had like four therapists be like, "You will totally be fine if you meditate throughout the day." So yeah, I've tried that (I spent $7.93 on a sixty track compilation of nature sounds - YES NATURE SOUNDS - for this purpose) and it just doesn't make a difference for more than 30 seconds. I'm not able to turn off the crazy, unfortunately. No matter how many hours of "Calming Thunderstorm and Bird Sounds for Meditation and Deep Rest" I listen to, my brain keeps whirring away like the obnoxious bitch that it is. *Sigh* - back to the generic Xanax, I guess. At least it puts me to sleep.

It's late, so I suppose I will end this post with a prayer.

Dear God,

Hey, 'sup? So, about this empath stuff - if you had to go and make me an empath, couldn't you at least have also given me some cool powers to go with it too? Or at least a sidekick? Anything would have been nice. *Sigh* - well, ok so I guess you do what you can with what you got and you have a plan and all that. Maybe I can use my condition as inspiration for some sort of YA fiction series that will blow up and become a CW hit show...or at least a web series. When life gives you negative-energy lemons...

'Night and thanks for blessings and all that jazz,

Jackie xoxo!!!! <3 <3