WARNING WARNING RANT IMMINENT

So, it's hot out and the thunder outside is thundering its ass off, and my stomach hurts, and I decided to have a drink anyways hoping it might help my stomach - which was just so not a good idea - so I figured it was a good a time as any for a RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY RANT.

The basis for my rant is as follows: the world is generally shitty for women and it sucks hairy balls. Some cases in point(s?):

Companies that sell expensively disheveled clothes to hipsters think that a board of directors that is all white and all male is not indicative of a diversity problem. Or, you know, not even just a generally shitty idea when you're selling clothes to HIPSTERS.

A prominent FEMALE doctor thinks women should "think twice" before becoming doctors, because they are selfish bitches who dare to ask for time off to give birth and go to the occasional PTA meeting.

This bullshit. Don't even get me started.

Also, I read this book, Unnatural Selection, a couple weeks ago and it's been depressing me ever since. Basically, its premise is that the third world is extra-fucked (or not, depending on who you are) because there is a dearth of women due to sex-selective abortion and female infanticide that will increase violence and bride-buying and forced prostitution in some of the world's most volatile regions. GREAT.

So basically, here's where we are: it's 2011. We had a viable female candidate for the presidency of the United States, women are graduating from college in record numbers, women make up the majority of the Western workforce, and yet we are still fucked. It doesn't seem to matter, honestly, how much we succeed, we're always fucked up the ass. We learn science and go to school and become doctors? We're betraying the profession because we expect maternity leave so we can, you know, perpetuate the species. We go into business and sales and move up the ranks? We have to prove, once we reach a certain (read: childbearing) age that we are still serious about our jobs and haven't deteriorated into fat, soft, simpering baby-making machines. We run for President? We have to justify our damned pantsuits (THEY. ARE. FUCKING. PRACTICAL. OK?) and the fact that our husbands were fucking, well, everyone behind our backs because this somehow reflects badly on us. We're too pretty?, Well, then we must be dumb and can't be taken seriously. We're not pretty enough? Well, then, we should just fucking kill ourselves, I guess because we're not worth the space we take up on the planet unless guys want to fuck us.

I know that my grand total of three readers will most likely agree with me as I believe they are all women and gay men (I don't actually include my mother in this because she will object to the amount of swear words in the post), but I just want to say for the internet to hear that the belief that women are no longer second-class citizens, even in the U.S., is a bald-faced lie. And it really pisses me off because, at this moment in time, I really can't see how to fix it. Sigh. The end.

XOXO!

Kanye West is an alien?! I KNEW IT!

So much has happened since I last posted that it's not even worth going into details. Three of my friends got married, two of them to each other. I finalized a move to San Francisco for real. My brother graduated from college and was set to meet with Akon to produce a movie of his. My mom kept mistaking his name for "Acorn" and the meeting got called off today. Coincidence? Methinks not. Dude has a spell like the one Voldemort has for his name in Harry Potter 7; every time someone calls him "Acorn" he has spies apparate to the spot where the blasphemy was uttered and take notes. I swear I am not drinking a whiskey sour or anything.

This post is mainly about the ridiculousness that is that Katy Perry song, "E.T." Now, I realize this song has been out for, like, years, but due to my various travels I did not discover its existence until yesterday. IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THIS SONG, YOU MUST LISTEN TO IT IMMEDIATELY. It is the most horriblest thing I have ever heard, AND I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT ON REPEAT.

In order to celebrate its awesomeness and ridiculosity, I have included a verse-by-verse explication (more of a translation, really) of the song's transcendental and revolutionary lyrics below. Enjoy. (Explication in bolded italics)

E.T - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

[Kanye West - Verse 1]

I got a dirty mind, I got filthy ways
I’m try 'na bathe my eye in your milky way
I’m a legend, I’m irreverent, I’ll be reverend
I’ll be so faaaaa-ar up
We dont give a fuuuh-uh-uck
Welcome to the danger zone
Step into the fantasy
You are not invited to the other side of sanity
They callin me an alien a big headed astronaut
Maybe its because yo boy Yeezy get ass a lot
[Hey! I'm so dirty and I love having sex with women!
I have sex with SO MANY WOMEN I SWEAR! Not men. Totally not with men. Just women like katy perry. Also, I'm an alien so this is totally hotter than usual. 'Sup?]

[Katy Perry]

You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel
[Eh, we didn't want to just let the intro go on longer so here are some words. The alien PHAAAAAANtomoftheoperaishere...]

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing
[Yay orgasms! And...spray tanner?]

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you
[I'm happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but you really shouldn't have freaked those people's shit out by stealing the spotlight from Taylor Momsen or whatever her name is. They are NOT over it.]

You're from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light
[I was raised believing my parents could speak in tongues, so you know what? I'm game for whatever you wanna do, boy.]

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison
[Do I really have to translate this? Groooooosssssss. We get it, ok?]

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
[Sexy! Or...just weird and rape-y? ehhh...]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[See above photo]

You're so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic
[Wow, you're pretty good at this sex thing considering you look like a species from a Stargate series.]

....

[Kanye West - Verse 2]

I know a bar out in mars
Where they driving spaceships instead of cars
Cop a prada space suit about the stars
Getting stupid hah straight up out the jars
Pockets on shrek, rockets on deck
Tell me whats next? Alien sex.
Imma disrobe you
Then Imma probe you
See I abducted you
So I tell you what to do
[Hey, so, I know this might seem weird, but I know this place in Chelsea...no, not a gay bar! Why do you people always assume that? Fucking human chicks. Anyways. They've got like some great martinis and...some other...shit...look, I put about five seconds' effort into writing this rap, ok? You wanna role play S&M aliens or what?]

[Katy Perry]

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison
[Alien semen. We get it. JESUS CHRIST LORD IN HEAVEN, WE GET IT.]

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
[The first time it was creepy. Now it's just silly. Did you hear that shitty rap he just spouted at you 8 lines ago? You really still gonna do him? Eh, it's your vagina, I guess.]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[I've never done a self-absorbed narcissist who's much less clever than he thinks he is before! Oh, wait...]

Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial
[Is this still happening?]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[Can I get my paycheck now? And also a bath, please. Thxbai!]

Fin.

"Captain, I'm sensing that we're totally screwed..."

So, after a pretty stressful and shitty day at work that actually had nothing at all to do with me, I've determined that I am an empath. No, this does not mean that I am capable of sensing that Admiral Ackbar Picard of the Klingon Federation is plotting against the Q race or something like the immensely talented woman pictured here, though that would come in handy should Obama's communist policies somehow get the US involved in an interstellar war. However, this does mean that some days my life can totally, totally suck giant balls.

If you're too lazy to follow the link (you know who you are), the empath quiz from the article is below. Ask yourself these questions - if you answer "yes" to 3 or more you are fairly-to-totally empathic. My own answers, for your entertainment, are in line in italics:

• Have I been labeled as "too emotional" or overly sensitive? Fuck, yes. When I was four my parents took me to see 'The Little Mermaid' in theaters and I overreacted so badly to the giant octopus woman at the end that I thrashed around and flailed and wrenched my neck. My head was stuck to one side for days.
  


• If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too? Yes and then I feel guilty for thinking of my own distress rather than my friend's and descend into a guilt/shame spiral. Nice, right?
  


• Are my feelings easily hurt? I sometimes feel like crying when people ask me to lower my voice in, say, a library if I'm talking too loudly. So...yes.


• Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive? If you've ever seen me in Times Square you know the answer to this one.
  


• Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk? I get anxiety attacks when I see smokers up ahead of me on the sidewalk and have held my breath for minutes on end to avoid sniffing weird cooking food smells in my apartment building's hallways.
  


• Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please? Even better - in NYC you can just call a cab, 24/7 and escape at any time!
  


• Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress? I consumed, like, 1500 calories in nachos tonight after work because my coworker - not me, but my coworker - was having a bad day.
  


• Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships? My imaginary boyfriend Joe doesn't seem to think so, but he also enjoys watching the 'Twilight' films and reading Jane Austen in bed with me, so who knows?
  

On the bright side, it's nice to have a category for my personal brand of Totally Fucked Up. On the other hand, the only suggestions people seem to have to offer to deal with my tendency to absorb the negative energy of everyone and everything around me is to meditate and breathe and shit. And you know what? That crap just doesn't work; sorry. I've had like four therapists be like, "You will totally be fine if you meditate throughout the day." So yeah, I've tried that (I spent $7.93 on a sixty track compilation of nature sounds - YES NATURE SOUNDS - for this purpose) and it just doesn't make a difference for more than 30 seconds. I'm not able to turn off the crazy, unfortunately. No matter how many hours of "Calming Thunderstorm and Bird Sounds for Meditation and Deep Rest" I listen to, my brain keeps whirring away like the obnoxious bitch that it is. *Sigh* - back to the generic Xanax, I guess. At least it puts me to sleep.

It's late, so I suppose I will end this post with a prayer.

Dear God,

Hey, 'sup? So, about this empath stuff - if you had to go and make me an empath, couldn't you at least have also given me some cool powers to go with it too? Or at least a sidekick? Anything would have been nice. *Sigh* - well, ok so I guess you do what you can with what you got and you have a plan and all that. Maybe I can use my condition as inspiration for some sort of YA fiction series that will blow up and become a CW hit show...or at least a web series. When life gives you negative-energy lemons...

'Night and thanks for blessings and all that jazz,

Jackie xoxo!!!! <3 <3

So entirely over the roommate selection thing...

Warning: Mild-to-moderate elitism and/or bitchiness to follow

The time has come: Indian Engineer Roommate and Indian Doctor Girl are like totally almost married, and Indian Engineer Roommate is moving out so he can go set up house in SF. Thus begins the epic saga of FINDING ANOTHER ROOMMATE.

The craigslist ad was posted today and we saw our first interested applicant tonight, a fair young man right out of school with the face of an angel and the intelligence of a Jersey Shore cast member (Sample gem: "Oh, so you guys have taco nights. What's taco night?"). He claims that he works in physical fitness with another job in advertising. We thought it odd that someone working in advertising would need a second job so we used the power of the Google and the Facebook to find him online. Turns out he is in advertising as he possesses certain assets that allow him to effectively advertise many products. And by assets I mean his ASS.

Dude is a male model. The kind that gets naked a lot. All over the internet. And that's fine - but why did he lie about it? Advertising? Really?! I didn't think you were sketchy (just dumb as shit) but now I do! Add to that the fact that your parents will "totally cosign" and you can give us "everything in cash tomorrow" - how do we know you're not also a drug dealer and an escort? Ok, so, maybe I did think you were sketchy...whatever I'm not living with you. Also, you're a model. You never ate a damned taco in your life. In any case, tomorrow we're holding an invite-only open house and praying that this guy - yes, THIS GUY, who had his ASSISTANT email us, no joke - doesn't somehow find out and show up.

Which brings me to my ultimate point: I NEVER want to have to deal with this roommate search shit ever again. I want to sign my own damned lease for my own damned apartment that I select with the counsel of NO OTHER HUMAN BEING, ANIMAL, MINERAL, OR GOD IN EXISTENCE. Don't get me wrong, I love my current roommates, but this is the last time I am ever going through this. I cannot wait to have a home; a place where I know I can always go, provided I keep paying the rent, without considering or even thinking about anyone else. The next time I live with someone, he will be the man I'm engaged or married to. End of discussion.

Ok, well, I'm exhausted and my computer is dying so that's probably a sign. I fervently pray to the gods that tomorrow is the end of the search and that we don't have to settle for Mr. America's Top Idiot Model - keep you posted.

DATE NIGHT OMG and other updates

So, tonight I finally had date #2 with Fun Guy. It was, as promised by his moniker, fun. I had as good a time as I did on the first date, which, given most second dates, was remarkable. My one hang-up is that I'm just not sure I'm attracted to him, like, at all. It's not that he's unattractive, he just reminds me a LOT of my brother, but (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) more effeminate. So, brotherly and not super-manly. Not the most potent combo. That being said, it's only been two dates, so I am going to go out with him again (likely to a movie next weekend) and we'll see how that goes...

In life, I've finally come out of the closet to my boss and all my coworkers about (gasp!) applying to two new roles outside my current job - both of which are in MTV/SF! I had a long talk with my mom this evening after my date about the whole thing. We talked about NY and SF and how my overall health, well being, and happiness have been in both cities. Objectively, we couldn't avoid the truth: in SF, I was healthier and had a wider, more diverse friend group. I met more guys in an organic (read: not online dating) way, and the commute, while shitty, was not as problematic as a.) my job content at the time, and b.) my roommates at the time - the two factors that truly made me miserable there. My goal now is, regardless of my city of residence, to have my own place within the next 3-6 months, and to have a job I enjoy somewhat (and which doesn't involve the endless stress of clients yelling at you for stupid perf shit that is entirely out of your control). Looking at the choices at my company, the roles I've found in SF are perfect - and there are simply not really any NY-based roles available. A year ago, I wouldn't have been qualified for them, but now I have the experience and confidence to perform them well as well as the SENIORITY to actually be considered - shocking, I know! In other words, I'm excited, though nothing's been decided yet. I still am trying to enjoy the moment per my earlier post this week, but I have to say having some change to look forward to is nice.

My one potential loss is being near to my immediate family and friends here on the east coast should I move :( The good news is, though, that I make more $$ than I did 3 years ago, so somewhat frequent travel is much more do-able now than it was before, which is nice. Also, my brother is likely remaining in CA after graduation, and my uncle and his family are there, so it's not like I don't have family there, too.

The upshot is, despite a couple of bouts of an extremely upset stomach (story of my damned life), it's a good week. To keep the karma going, I'm now going to go listen to some nature sounds. YES, NATURE SOUNDS. Deal with it. And enjoy the picture.

<3 <3

Recovering from the 'rents and philosophizing...

It was a good, if tiring, weekend until this morning. My parents came in Thursday night for my team's Take Your Parents to Work Day on Friday (yes, this is a thing that happened because the trophy kids will NOT grow up) and stayed until this morning. Luckily, the weather yesterday was beautiful so we were able to walk around my neighborhood, check out the progress at Ground Zero (which they haven't seen since before they started work on the memorial), and then head up Broadway to Union Square. We had a great time checking out the farmers' market and my mom and I both bought wine while my dad, who is newly sober again (long story) tried not to seem too bored. After a late lunch, we came home for a nap (Indian Engineer Roommate and Colombian Roommate are both out of town so we had my still-cramped apartment to ourselves) and then went out again for a late movie, Jane Eyre. I definitely prefer the one with Charlotte Gainsbourg (more talking; less pacing and gazing out of windows) but it was very well-done. Mia WasikowskIwasinAliceinWonderland did a great job, I have to say - the first time I've seen her actually act in a film as opposed to stalking around looking angry (*cough*The Kids are All Right*cough*). No idea who the guy playing Rochester was, but, as usual, he was waaaay too hot (I actually thought they did a good job of making Mia plain). I give it three out of five; a good time, but if it gets any Oscar nods I'm going to get pissed.

Anyways, after breakfast this morning, the 'rents left, and then I started getting anxious. It was an even more gorgeous day than yesterday, so I tried to distract myself: I walked around the seaport, picked up a couple things at the Duane Reade, went up on the roof to get some sun and read the newest (and terriblest) Janet Evanovich, cleaned up the apartment - no dice. I just kept worrying about the week ahead - a chronic problem I have on Sundays - and getting an increasingly big pit in my stomach. I made the mistake of checking work email and saw some really annoying ones that threw me into a tizzy. I drank 2 glasses of wine, ate an entire Lindt chocolate bar and felt extremely ill. I wanted to cry.

Then I went on Twitter (social media saves the day omg!) and saw this post that someone had retweeted. Reading it really turned the day around. As I was reading and perusing the comments, I remembered that some of my happiest days were ones when nothing "great" happened - I just found satisfaction in little things, like sunshine or the sound of running water in the little stream in my parents' front yard in NH, or watching a street performer playing or singing his heart out and obviously loving it in the subways of NYC. I've been contemplating life changes recently and trying to figure out what will make me happy - the right job, the right apartment, the right city, the right people around me - but the truth is, I know from experience that tweaking any of these aspects of my life will not necessarily make me happier. They may provide distractions or new opportunities, but newness alone always wears off after awhile (case in point: NYC). If and when things change, I will be more content with my future life if I start practicing now by concentrating on the positive every day. I have to think more about what's good about my life now, which, to be honest, is a lot. I have a great apartment in a gorgeous building in one of the greatest cities in the world. My immediate coworkers are great people and even though my clients may drive me absolutely nuts they rely on me, which says a lot about my work. I have enough money to pay the bills and have fun. I'm independent and, no matter what I say sometimes, content being single, which means I'm able to take the time to go out and meet new people and have fun with them without stressing myself out about getting married in the next five minutes (though, admittedly, the whole process of dating does still stress me out, but maybe a new perspective can change that too). I get to travel both domestically and internationally for free with work, which I do really love. I have the best parents and little brother in the world, and some of the best friends anyone could wish for. I have my health and am working harder than I have in a long time to be in the best shape I can be in. I have a lot.

So, my mission this week is to do everything I can to find the good in each day and even in each moment - even in the stressful stuff. I'll expect the best, prepare for the worst, and remember that although nothing is perfect I can still be happy with myself and the good things around. If I lack control over the events of each day, at least I can control my response to those events. Whether it's a bad meeting or a bad date, no one can affect how I feel about myself but me.

And with that, please enjoy Stephen Colbert's version of Rebecca Black's Friday. Talk about finding the best in everything...

Soooooo, how're things?

Oh, hey you guys! How are you doing? Yeah, I know you haven't seen me in a while. NO ONE'S SEEN ME*. I have no real excuse for not posting except that--

a.) I am not famous or important or rebelling against a Middle Eastern dictator, so, like, who was gonna be reading it anyways?

b.) Awards season

c.) There have been a lot of pop songs released recently, y'all. That's, like, a million hours I have to spend bopping around my apartment and running errands while listening to "Born this Way" and "TTWE" on constant repeat on my iPod every week. Huge responsibility, I know, but someone has to do it.

d.) I am lazy

So, updates...life is ok. Indian Doctor Girl and Indian Engineer Roommate found out that they will be spending the next three years in San Francisco (!) so, yeah, all you SF residents can stop your gloating aaaaaaany time now. I'm really going to miss them both, but who knows...maybe I will end up in SF sometime in the near-ish future? ;) There are certainly more roles available there than in New York at work!

Speaking of my job, things are about the same as usual - "meh." The dreaded performance review period (*shudder*) is upon us again, which is always hell, but I'll get through it. This is actually the first cycle in a long time when I don't have to run 3 or 4 sessions - only 2 this round, which is a huge relief. There's something to be said for being slightly more advanced in the org and having dedicated clients, I guess. My Tokyo work trip was canceled for obvious reasons, so now my training program is sending a bunch of us to the U.K. the first week of May, which should be interesting. There's actually going to be a lot of travel coming up in the next couple of months, both work- and life-related...don't be surprised if you get random pings/calls from me when I'm in your city :)

I sort of dropped the 30-day reset, but I am going to take it up again, but not here on my blog. I'm pretty sure I don't want all 2.5 people who've ever read this to see some of that stuff. In all seriousness, however, I do think that part of the reason I stopped posting for a bit is because all that introspection was getting a little heavy and I didn't want to really share it here, which I'd pledged to do. So my decision is to keep going, but I won't use this space to talk about it. I think I'll feel safer that way, because it was honestly getting to the point where I was almost having a little anxiety attack each time I thought about posting. Once I made the decision not to do the reset here, though, the block lifted. Also might have something to do with Miss Cleopatra Jones's awesome blogging of late serving as my inspiration, however.

Outside of work, things have been nuts - Indian Doctor Girl had her penultimate rotation here in NYC last month and I feel like almost every night was a party lol. Thank goodness I had my personal trainer; otherwise I would have gained 15 pounds from alcohol alone! As it was, I remained stable in terms of weight, but I do feel SO much better, endurance- and strength-wise. I can also see some progress in my arms and legs - they're more toned and slimmer, thank goodness. This month I want to punch up my healthy eating and get my weight down - the wedding in May is getting closer every day and now that I have my saris in my closet it's become painfully clear that my stomach is going to have to be a focus point haha. Regardless, I am so happy with my decision to do training. It's a surefire way to ensure that I work out hard and on a regular basis. I really recommend it if you have a way to do it at all, even for a few sessions.

I've been on a couple of okCupid dates, one of which sucked hard and was super-awk, and the other of which was fun. However, Fun Guy has 2 flaws: 1.) he reminds me a little *too* much of my little brother, which is weird, and 2.) he hasn't called me back yet to set up our second date. Sooooo we'll see what happens there. In general, I've been thinking about it and while it's effective in terms of actually getting dates, I don't know if I love the online dating thing. The problem is, in a city as impersonal and huge as NYC, I really have no other way to meet anyone...but ugh it's just weird with the profile and the email messages and the whole thing. I don't know. If anyone has any suggestions for how to actually meet people in real life I am totally up for them.

Ok I've probably bored you to death, reader, so I'll leave you with this piece of advice: if you download ONE song from Britney's new album, download "Trouble for Me." So. Freaking. Good.

Peace :)

*Inside joke for those of you in a certain group in college. Apologies to all others.