"Captain, I'm sensing that we're totally screwed..."

So, after a pretty stressful and shitty day at work that actually had nothing at all to do with me, I've determined that I am an empath. No, this does not mean that I am capable of sensing that Admiral Ackbar Picard of the Klingon Federation is plotting against the Q race or something like the immensely talented woman pictured here, though that would come in handy should Obama's communist policies somehow get the US involved in an interstellar war. However, this does mean that some days my life can totally, totally suck giant balls.

If you're too lazy to follow the link (you know who you are), the empath quiz from the article is below. Ask yourself these questions - if you answer "yes" to 3 or more you are fairly-to-totally empathic. My own answers, for your entertainment, are in line in italics:

• Have I been labeled as "too emotional" or overly sensitive? Fuck, yes. When I was four my parents took me to see 'The Little Mermaid' in theaters and I overreacted so badly to the giant octopus woman at the end that I thrashed around and flailed and wrenched my neck. My head was stuck to one side for days.
  


• If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too? Yes and then I feel guilty for thinking of my own distress rather than my friend's and descend into a guilt/shame spiral. Nice, right?
  


• Are my feelings easily hurt? I sometimes feel like crying when people ask me to lower my voice in, say, a library if I'm talking too loudly. So...yes.


• Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive? If you've ever seen me in Times Square you know the answer to this one.
  


• Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk? I get anxiety attacks when I see smokers up ahead of me on the sidewalk and have held my breath for minutes on end to avoid sniffing weird cooking food smells in my apartment building's hallways.
  


• Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please? Even better - in NYC you can just call a cab, 24/7 and escape at any time!
  


• Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress? I consumed, like, 1500 calories in nachos tonight after work because my coworker - not me, but my coworker - was having a bad day.
  


• Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships? My imaginary boyfriend Joe doesn't seem to think so, but he also enjoys watching the 'Twilight' films and reading Jane Austen in bed with me, so who knows?
  

On the bright side, it's nice to have a category for my personal brand of Totally Fucked Up. On the other hand, the only suggestions people seem to have to offer to deal with my tendency to absorb the negative energy of everyone and everything around me is to meditate and breathe and shit. And you know what? That crap just doesn't work; sorry. I've had like four therapists be like, "You will totally be fine if you meditate throughout the day." So yeah, I've tried that (I spent $7.93 on a sixty track compilation of nature sounds - YES NATURE SOUNDS - for this purpose) and it just doesn't make a difference for more than 30 seconds. I'm not able to turn off the crazy, unfortunately. No matter how many hours of "Calming Thunderstorm and Bird Sounds for Meditation and Deep Rest" I listen to, my brain keeps whirring away like the obnoxious bitch that it is. *Sigh* - back to the generic Xanax, I guess. At least it puts me to sleep.

It's late, so I suppose I will end this post with a prayer.

Dear God,

Hey, 'sup? So, about this empath stuff - if you had to go and make me an empath, couldn't you at least have also given me some cool powers to go with it too? Or at least a sidekick? Anything would have been nice. *Sigh* - well, ok so I guess you do what you can with what you got and you have a plan and all that. Maybe I can use my condition as inspiration for some sort of YA fiction series that will blow up and become a CW hit show...or at least a web series. When life gives you negative-energy lemons...

'Night and thanks for blessings and all that jazz,

Jackie xoxo!!!! <3 <3

So entirely over the roommate selection thing...

Warning: Mild-to-moderate elitism and/or bitchiness to follow

The time has come: Indian Engineer Roommate and Indian Doctor Girl are like totally almost married, and Indian Engineer Roommate is moving out so he can go set up house in SF. Thus begins the epic saga of FINDING ANOTHER ROOMMATE.

The craigslist ad was posted today and we saw our first interested applicant tonight, a fair young man right out of school with the face of an angel and the intelligence of a Jersey Shore cast member (Sample gem: "Oh, so you guys have taco nights. What's taco night?"). He claims that he works in physical fitness with another job in advertising. We thought it odd that someone working in advertising would need a second job so we used the power of the Google and the Facebook to find him online. Turns out he is in advertising as he possesses certain assets that allow him to effectively advertise many products. And by assets I mean his ASS.

Dude is a male model. The kind that gets naked a lot. All over the internet. And that's fine - but why did he lie about it? Advertising? Really?! I didn't think you were sketchy (just dumb as shit) but now I do! Add to that the fact that your parents will "totally cosign" and you can give us "everything in cash tomorrow" - how do we know you're not also a drug dealer and an escort? Ok, so, maybe I did think you were sketchy...whatever I'm not living with you. Also, you're a model. You never ate a damned taco in your life. In any case, tomorrow we're holding an invite-only open house and praying that this guy - yes, THIS GUY, who had his ASSISTANT email us, no joke - doesn't somehow find out and show up.

Which brings me to my ultimate point: I NEVER want to have to deal with this roommate search shit ever again. I want to sign my own damned lease for my own damned apartment that I select with the counsel of NO OTHER HUMAN BEING, ANIMAL, MINERAL, OR GOD IN EXISTENCE. Don't get me wrong, I love my current roommates, but this is the last time I am ever going through this. I cannot wait to have a home; a place where I know I can always go, provided I keep paying the rent, without considering or even thinking about anyone else. The next time I live with someone, he will be the man I'm engaged or married to. End of discussion.

Ok, well, I'm exhausted and my computer is dying so that's probably a sign. I fervently pray to the gods that tomorrow is the end of the search and that we don't have to settle for Mr. America's Top Idiot Model - keep you posted.

DATE NIGHT OMG and other updates

So, tonight I finally had date #2 with Fun Guy. It was, as promised by his moniker, fun. I had as good a time as I did on the first date, which, given most second dates, was remarkable. My one hang-up is that I'm just not sure I'm attracted to him, like, at all. It's not that he's unattractive, he just reminds me a LOT of my brother, but (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) more effeminate. So, brotherly and not super-manly. Not the most potent combo. That being said, it's only been two dates, so I am going to go out with him again (likely to a movie next weekend) and we'll see how that goes...

In life, I've finally come out of the closet to my boss and all my coworkers about (gasp!) applying to two new roles outside my current job - both of which are in MTV/SF! I had a long talk with my mom this evening after my date about the whole thing. We talked about NY and SF and how my overall health, well being, and happiness have been in both cities. Objectively, we couldn't avoid the truth: in SF, I was healthier and had a wider, more diverse friend group. I met more guys in an organic (read: not online dating) way, and the commute, while shitty, was not as problematic as a.) my job content at the time, and b.) my roommates at the time - the two factors that truly made me miserable there. My goal now is, regardless of my city of residence, to have my own place within the next 3-6 months, and to have a job I enjoy somewhat (and which doesn't involve the endless stress of clients yelling at you for stupid perf shit that is entirely out of your control). Looking at the choices at my company, the roles I've found in SF are perfect - and there are simply not really any NY-based roles available. A year ago, I wouldn't have been qualified for them, but now I have the experience and confidence to perform them well as well as the SENIORITY to actually be considered - shocking, I know! In other words, I'm excited, though nothing's been decided yet. I still am trying to enjoy the moment per my earlier post this week, but I have to say having some change to look forward to is nice.

My one potential loss is being near to my immediate family and friends here on the east coast should I move :( The good news is, though, that I make more $$ than I did 3 years ago, so somewhat frequent travel is much more do-able now than it was before, which is nice. Also, my brother is likely remaining in CA after graduation, and my uncle and his family are there, so it's not like I don't have family there, too.

The upshot is, despite a couple of bouts of an extremely upset stomach (story of my damned life), it's a good week. To keep the karma going, I'm now going to go listen to some nature sounds. YES, NATURE SOUNDS. Deal with it. And enjoy the picture.

<3 <3

Recovering from the 'rents and philosophizing...

It was a good, if tiring, weekend until this morning. My parents came in Thursday night for my team's Take Your Parents to Work Day on Friday (yes, this is a thing that happened because the trophy kids will NOT grow up) and stayed until this morning. Luckily, the weather yesterday was beautiful so we were able to walk around my neighborhood, check out the progress at Ground Zero (which they haven't seen since before they started work on the memorial), and then head up Broadway to Union Square. We had a great time checking out the farmers' market and my mom and I both bought wine while my dad, who is newly sober again (long story) tried not to seem too bored. After a late lunch, we came home for a nap (Indian Engineer Roommate and Colombian Roommate are both out of town so we had my still-cramped apartment to ourselves) and then went out again for a late movie, Jane Eyre. I definitely prefer the one with Charlotte Gainsbourg (more talking; less pacing and gazing out of windows) but it was very well-done. Mia WasikowskIwasinAliceinWonderland did a great job, I have to say - the first time I've seen her actually act in a film as opposed to stalking around looking angry (*cough*The Kids are All Right*cough*). No idea who the guy playing Rochester was, but, as usual, he was waaaay too hot (I actually thought they did a good job of making Mia plain). I give it three out of five; a good time, but if it gets any Oscar nods I'm going to get pissed.

Anyways, after breakfast this morning, the 'rents left, and then I started getting anxious. It was an even more gorgeous day than yesterday, so I tried to distract myself: I walked around the seaport, picked up a couple things at the Duane Reade, went up on the roof to get some sun and read the newest (and terriblest) Janet Evanovich, cleaned up the apartment - no dice. I just kept worrying about the week ahead - a chronic problem I have on Sundays - and getting an increasingly big pit in my stomach. I made the mistake of checking work email and saw some really annoying ones that threw me into a tizzy. I drank 2 glasses of wine, ate an entire Lindt chocolate bar and felt extremely ill. I wanted to cry.

Then I went on Twitter (social media saves the day omg!) and saw this post that someone had retweeted. Reading it really turned the day around. As I was reading and perusing the comments, I remembered that some of my happiest days were ones when nothing "great" happened - I just found satisfaction in little things, like sunshine or the sound of running water in the little stream in my parents' front yard in NH, or watching a street performer playing or singing his heart out and obviously loving it in the subways of NYC. I've been contemplating life changes recently and trying to figure out what will make me happy - the right job, the right apartment, the right city, the right people around me - but the truth is, I know from experience that tweaking any of these aspects of my life will not necessarily make me happier. They may provide distractions or new opportunities, but newness alone always wears off after awhile (case in point: NYC). If and when things change, I will be more content with my future life if I start practicing now by concentrating on the positive every day. I have to think more about what's good about my life now, which, to be honest, is a lot. I have a great apartment in a gorgeous building in one of the greatest cities in the world. My immediate coworkers are great people and even though my clients may drive me absolutely nuts they rely on me, which says a lot about my work. I have enough money to pay the bills and have fun. I'm independent and, no matter what I say sometimes, content being single, which means I'm able to take the time to go out and meet new people and have fun with them without stressing myself out about getting married in the next five minutes (though, admittedly, the whole process of dating does still stress me out, but maybe a new perspective can change that too). I get to travel both domestically and internationally for free with work, which I do really love. I have the best parents and little brother in the world, and some of the best friends anyone could wish for. I have my health and am working harder than I have in a long time to be in the best shape I can be in. I have a lot.

So, my mission this week is to do everything I can to find the good in each day and even in each moment - even in the stressful stuff. I'll expect the best, prepare for the worst, and remember that although nothing is perfect I can still be happy with myself and the good things around. If I lack control over the events of each day, at least I can control my response to those events. Whether it's a bad meeting or a bad date, no one can affect how I feel about myself but me.

And with that, please enjoy Stephen Colbert's version of Rebecca Black's Friday. Talk about finding the best in everything...