WARNING WARNING RANT IMMINENT

So, it's hot out and the thunder outside is thundering its ass off, and my stomach hurts, and I decided to have a drink anyways hoping it might help my stomach - which was just so not a good idea - so I figured it was a good a time as any for a RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY RANT.

The basis for my rant is as follows: the world is generally shitty for women and it sucks hairy balls. Some cases in point(s?):

Companies that sell expensively disheveled clothes to hipsters think that a board of directors that is all white and all male is not indicative of a diversity problem. Or, you know, not even just a generally shitty idea when you're selling clothes to HIPSTERS.

A prominent FEMALE doctor thinks women should "think twice" before becoming doctors, because they are selfish bitches who dare to ask for time off to give birth and go to the occasional PTA meeting.

This bullshit. Don't even get me started.

Also, I read this book, Unnatural Selection, a couple weeks ago and it's been depressing me ever since. Basically, its premise is that the third world is extra-fucked (or not, depending on who you are) because there is a dearth of women due to sex-selective abortion and female infanticide that will increase violence and bride-buying and forced prostitution in some of the world's most volatile regions. GREAT.

So basically, here's where we are: it's 2011. We had a viable female candidate for the presidency of the United States, women are graduating from college in record numbers, women make up the majority of the Western workforce, and yet we are still fucked. It doesn't seem to matter, honestly, how much we succeed, we're always fucked up the ass. We learn science and go to school and become doctors? We're betraying the profession because we expect maternity leave so we can, you know, perpetuate the species. We go into business and sales and move up the ranks? We have to prove, once we reach a certain (read: childbearing) age that we are still serious about our jobs and haven't deteriorated into fat, soft, simpering baby-making machines. We run for President? We have to justify our damned pantsuits (THEY. ARE. FUCKING. PRACTICAL. OK?) and the fact that our husbands were fucking, well, everyone behind our backs because this somehow reflects badly on us. We're too pretty?, Well, then we must be dumb and can't be taken seriously. We're not pretty enough? Well, then, we should just fucking kill ourselves, I guess because we're not worth the space we take up on the planet unless guys want to fuck us.

I know that my grand total of three readers will most likely agree with me as I believe they are all women and gay men (I don't actually include my mother in this because she will object to the amount of swear words in the post), but I just want to say for the internet to hear that the belief that women are no longer second-class citizens, even in the U.S., is a bald-faced lie. And it really pisses me off because, at this moment in time, I really can't see how to fix it. Sigh. The end.

XOXO!

Kanye West is an alien?! I KNEW IT!

So much has happened since I last posted that it's not even worth going into details. Three of my friends got married, two of them to each other. I finalized a move to San Francisco for real. My brother graduated from college and was set to meet with Akon to produce a movie of his. My mom kept mistaking his name for "Acorn" and the meeting got called off today. Coincidence? Methinks not. Dude has a spell like the one Voldemort has for his name in Harry Potter 7; every time someone calls him "Acorn" he has spies apparate to the spot where the blasphemy was uttered and take notes. I swear I am not drinking a whiskey sour or anything.

This post is mainly about the ridiculousness that is that Katy Perry song, "E.T." Now, I realize this song has been out for, like, years, but due to my various travels I did not discover its existence until yesterday. IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THIS SONG, YOU MUST LISTEN TO IT IMMEDIATELY. It is the most horriblest thing I have ever heard, AND I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT ON REPEAT.

In order to celebrate its awesomeness and ridiculosity, I have included a verse-by-verse explication (more of a translation, really) of the song's transcendental and revolutionary lyrics below. Enjoy. (Explication in bolded italics)

E.T - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

[Kanye West - Verse 1]

I got a dirty mind, I got filthy ways
I’m try 'na bathe my eye in your milky way
I’m a legend, I’m irreverent, I’ll be reverend
I’ll be so faaaaa-ar up
We dont give a fuuuh-uh-uck
Welcome to the danger zone
Step into the fantasy
You are not invited to the other side of sanity
They callin me an alien a big headed astronaut
Maybe its because yo boy Yeezy get ass a lot
[Hey! I'm so dirty and I love having sex with women!
I have sex with SO MANY WOMEN I SWEAR! Not men. Totally not with men. Just women like katy perry. Also, I'm an alien so this is totally hotter than usual. 'Sup?]

[Katy Perry]

You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel
[Eh, we didn't want to just let the intro go on longer so here are some words. The alien PHAAAAAANtomoftheoperaishere...]

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing
[Yay orgasms! And...spray tanner?]

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you
[I'm happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but you really shouldn't have freaked those people's shit out by stealing the spotlight from Taylor Momsen or whatever her name is. They are NOT over it.]

You're from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light
[I was raised believing my parents could speak in tongues, so you know what? I'm game for whatever you wanna do, boy.]

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison
[Do I really have to translate this? Groooooosssssss. We get it, ok?]

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
[Sexy! Or...just weird and rape-y? ehhh...]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[See above photo]

You're so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic
[Wow, you're pretty good at this sex thing considering you look like a species from a Stargate series.]

....

[Kanye West - Verse 2]

I know a bar out in mars
Where they driving spaceships instead of cars
Cop a prada space suit about the stars
Getting stupid hah straight up out the jars
Pockets on shrek, rockets on deck
Tell me whats next? Alien sex.
Imma disrobe you
Then Imma probe you
See I abducted you
So I tell you what to do
[Hey, so, I know this might seem weird, but I know this place in Chelsea...no, not a gay bar! Why do you people always assume that? Fucking human chicks. Anyways. They've got like some great martinis and...some other...shit...look, I put about five seconds' effort into writing this rap, ok? You wanna role play S&M aliens or what?]

[Katy Perry]

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison
[Alien semen. We get it. JESUS CHRIST LORD IN HEAVEN, WE GET IT.]

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
[The first time it was creepy. Now it's just silly. Did you hear that shitty rap he just spouted at you 8 lines ago? You really still gonna do him? Eh, it's your vagina, I guess.]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[I've never done a self-absorbed narcissist who's much less clever than he thinks he is before! Oh, wait...]

Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial
[Is this still happening?]

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch are foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
[Can I get my paycheck now? And also a bath, please. Thxbai!]

Fin.