Asshole alert! Also, sexism in the workplace.

So I've been in HR at a major tech company for nearly seven years, and throughout my tenure I've spent a lot of time putting on a smile and pretending to be nice to assholes.  Well, as of today, I'm done.

This morning, at the request of my client group, I gave a optional, extra, special, not-required-by-my-job presentation on new performance management practices to about 30 people live and on video conference.  These practices are controversial and are causing folks some consternation, which is acceptable.

What happened during the meeting, however, was not.

About halfway through the presentation, one of my senior clients got up, wrote a word he "didn't want to hear" from me anymore on the whiteboard in huge letters, and then crossed it out to demonstrate to me and the room (because I'm a fucking five-year-old kindergartener, apparently) that he really doesn't like that word and he doesn't want to hear it ever again!  He was visibly agitated the whole time, his eyes widening and his jowls shaking as he chastised me, his colleague, in front of his peers and direct reports, for the HR department being "the politburo." Of course, as all assholes who want to cover their asshole-ish asses do, he proceeded to clarify that he "wasn't directing any of this at me" but was "just so frustrated with the system," etc.  After holding back tears for the remainder of the presentation,  I tried to take him aside to give him some feedback about treating me like a 10 year old in front of a good chunk of his team.  He cut me off abruptly: "I know what this is about, and, you know, I apologize, but I'm just so frustrated..."  I told him that I found what he did humiliating, and that my hurt feelings were not related to what he said, but how he said it.  He cut me off again: "I don't understand why you feel that way!  I'm just frustrated about the process!"  We decided to talk more later.  He sent me one of those "sorry that you were offended" bullshit emails, and I repeated that we'd talk later in the week.  I didn't think I could look at his fucking face twice in one day.

I'm sure some people reading this would say that I'm overreacting.  That I'm too sensitive.  "He apologized, what's the big deal?"

I'll tell you what the fucking big deal is.

The big deal is that this man thinks it's ok, just because he's frustrated about an HR process, to belittle a colleague in front of his peers and reports.

The big deal is that these same peers and reports will now think it's ok to treat me the same way he does.

The big deal is this guy has a history of intimidating and bullying his coworkers, and he's never been disciplined for it.

The big deal is that my boss's response to it was, "That's too bad, I'm so sorry!"  In case you were wondering, my boss is also in HR.

The big deal is that if I were a man, this never would have happened.

Oh, yeah, I'm pulling the sexism card.  I'm fucking doing it.  And you know why?  Because it's in my hand, motherfuckers.

I've supported dozens of leaders over the years, nearly all of them men.  I have lost track of the number of patronizing, rude, and downright overtly sexist remarks and attitudes I've witnessed and experienced from almost every single one of them.

There was the guy who once referred to me as a performance management "dominatrix" in front of his team.  The guy who spent an entire meeting staring, quite obviously, at my chest while we were supposed to be discussing talent strategies.  The guy who called me "hot" to my fellow HR coworkers in the office while I was standing 20 feet away (this guy was also in HR, whaddya know!).  The countless, countless managers who have praised male workers for being aggressive go-getters while, in the same breath, suggesting their female reports "tone it down."  I could write a fucking book.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of female assholes, too, all over the place.  But while the majority of leadership positions in corporate America are held by men (and yeah, they mostly still are, especially in tech), the majority of assholes I work with will be men, too.  Leaning in is great and dandy, unless you want to avoid assholes and sexism, apparently.

That's the big deal.  Today, this man was such an asshole to me that he made me want to quit my job.  He looked down on me from his position of power and maleness and decided that it was ok to belittle me, the HR girl, because I am not powerful and not male.  And he taught a bunch of other people who look up to him (most of them male) that this is how they should treat me, too.

So I'm done being nice.  I will be Catbert the evil HR cat, if that's what these fuckers want.  I'll give back as good as I get.  I'll be the asshole.  Let's see how they like it.

Windbreaker Pants

About a third of my mornings, I take a later shuttle (meaning it leaves after 7 am) to work, and whenever I do I inevitably encounter Windbreaker Pants Couple.

Windbreaker Pants Couple are, as you may have guessed, in a relationship.  A very close and publicly displayed relationship.  They cuddle while waiting for the bus to arrive, their arms linked.  They take a pair of seats in the front of the bus, their heads bowed towards each other like a pair of doves as they share a soft chuckle over something displayed on one of their mobile phones.  They occasionally kiss, the rest of their coworkers looking on.

I call them Windbreaker Pants Couple because the guy only has one pair of pants, and they are glorious.  They are made of (you guessed it) windbreaker material, with a pattern of grass-green and highlighter-yellow patches.  The waist and ankles are secured by drawstrings, ostensibly so he can tighten them to protect himself from the harsh San Francisco weather.  Again, these are the only pants he owns.  I have never seen him not in these pants.

The sight of Windbreaker Pants Couple always raises so many questions, both practical and metaphysical.  Here's what I would ask Windbreaker Pants Couple if I were capable of working up the physical and emotional courage:

• Where did you get those pants?  Are they a family heirloom, passed down through the generations?
• Do your pants have magical powers?
• How often do you wash your pants? 
• Girlfriend, have you every suggested to him that he might want to invest in another pair of non-windbreaker pants?
• I'm in HR; do you really think cuddling and kissing on the work shuttle is a good idea?
• That being said, you guys look really in love.  That must be great.
• Did you meet at work?  Online?  Seriously, how did you find each other?  Any good dating sites I should try? 
• I'm so lonely.  So, so lonely.  No, I'm not crying, there's just something in my eye. 
• Ahem.  Anyways.  So, as an HR representative I could probably get up a donation fund to buy you some jeans or something. Though I guess windbreaker pants would be really comfortable. 
• (To myself) Hmm, maybe I should get some windbreaker pants?  They seem to bring love and contentment and look non-restrictive.
• (To them) Seriously, though, I'm in HR, please stop kissing on the shuttle.  It's freaking everyone out and also reminding those of us who are single that we are going to die alone.  Also, get some new pants.

I swear that one day I will work up the guts to engage Windbreaker Pants Couple.  On that day, I suspect that many mysteries of the universe will be revealed.  Until that day comes, however, I will simply gaze upon Windbreaker Pants Couple from afar, wondering at their epic love and the enigma of that dude's pants.

So I've had some wine...

...and everyone at work is, like, resigning and I need to get ready for several months of WERK so, whatever, I deserve all the wine.

But as usual when there is wine, I have thoughts.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1.  Olympics: what is the difference between ice dancing and pairs skating?  It appears to be the same except the Americans who are doing the pairs thing are not as good as Davis and White.  Or are they the same thing and I have missed something? CONFUSION.

2.  Olympics thought number 2:  Did you all see that thing where the 2 skiers tied for gold?  That's crazy!  I cried.  Might have been the wine, BUT WHATEVER IT WAS AWESOME, OK?

3.  Olympics thought number 3: So, these people work out like 10 hours a day and I am sitting here drinking wine and eating chocolate.  I feel awesome about myself.

4.  Non-olympics thought: I have four weddings to go to this year.  I should probably stop drinking wine and work out more.

5.  THE VERONICA MARS MOVIE IS COMING OUT SOON!  This is like all I have to look forward to in life...yay?

6.  I should start my taxes.

7.  Wow, these Russians are really good at skating.

8.  Have I really had that much wine?