I just can't anymore you guys. I cannot.

Seriously, guys.  I just can't with these people.  I know we're supposed to be calm, and collected, and engage in serious debate, but I just...no wonder people go rage-y on the news and in comment boards.

Last night, Texas went all to shit and it's no surprise, considering the progress of things in Ohio and Wisconsin of late.  People yelled, and tampons were confiscated, and shitty people gloated, and I went to bed early because I Just. Cannot. Anymore.

People love to employ the trope of the "angry feminist."  And sometimes, we feminists make it easy, because we are angry.  GUYS, WE ARE SO ANGRY I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU.  We are angry because no matter what progress is made, hatred, devaluation, exploitation, and belittling of women is still everywhere.  Even in America.  It's in workplaces, and doctor's offices, and government chambers, and homes, and schools.  It's in the act of walking down the street near my home in San Francisco at 7 pm when it is still light out and being called a "cunt" because I won't smile at the drunken homeless man on the corner who makes a lewd comment.  And last night, it was in the actions of the Texas state senate, which not only passed a bill that will (if enacted) severely restrict TX women's access to safe and legal abortions, but also refused to entertain amendments that would otherwise help women and families (sex education improvements, funding to update clinics, exceptions to the bill for women's health).  If you care about or even remotely like women and the quality of their health care, you do not pass this bill and you certainly don't reject all amendments out of hand that would improve women's lives.  So yeah, we're angry.  When people are detested and held down because of their skin color or ethnic background or which set of reproductive organs they possess, they tend to get fucking angry.

I get that people don't like abortion and vehemently oppose it.  I get it!  You know what?  I don't like abortion either!  It sucks!  It's a traumatic process, and is usually being performed because of less-than-ideal (unwanted pregnancy due to BC failure or lack of BC, no financial or other resources to birth or raise a child) or outright tragic (serious birth defect, result of rape or incest, mother going to die) circumstances.  However, if human history, medical science, and common fucking sense are any indication, its existence is critical to the overall health of the female population.  If you are not a woman choosing to get one, it is also (according to the Supreme Court and, you know, personal autonomy) none of your fucking business.  

So why do so many conservative lawmakers make it their business?  Do they really think our idea of a fun Saturday is to head to the abortion clinic with our gal pals with the theme to Sex and the City playing on our iPods?  Do they think we all have those cards like you use at Panera: "Get nine abortions and your tenth is free?!"  I know they don't care about kids, because once they're born many extreme conservatives would rather let them die of a preventable illness than pay a bit more in taxes to get them affordable health care.  I know they don't care about life because they refuse to support reasonable gun control laws and love executing incarcerated criminals.  So my conclusion is that, if they're men, they really just hate us.  If they're women, they really just hate themselves.  

So what do I, a woman with a brain, do in the face of such hatred?  I give up on tolerance and calmness of manner.  I just don't care anymore; I can't care and be measured, because it is damned exhausting.  I don't respect your views, and I don't respect you.  You hate me because of mine, and also (mainly) because I have a vagina.  So why the fuck should I turn the other cheek?  What the hell: I hate you too. If you are anti-choice, go fuck yourself.  Or die.  Whatever works. Because I. Just. Can't. Anymore. You. Guys.

What I learned on my summer vacation

I spent this past week in NH with my family, just chilling out.  I haven't been on vacation since Christmas, unless you count the two weeks of medical leave in February when my mom had to come stay with me in SF because my medication stopped working and I was severely depressed and generally not ok, which I don't. Overall, it wasn't very eventful - went to see some movies, slept a lot, went to the beach, slept some more, read a crappy novel, drank some wine, pet the dog, ate potato salad.  It was nice.

I was supposed to leave this afternoon for SF from Logan.  My parents very kindly drove me down to the airport.  Online, it said my flight was only delayed an hour, but of course when I got there it was canceled due to terrible, terrible things happening.  So now I am due to fly on Tuesday, all flights tomorrow being completely booked.

What was weird, though, is that my first emotion upon learning I couldn't fly out tonight was unadulterated panic at not being in the office tomorrow.  I found myself freaking out, thinking, "But I have meetings!  They will be mad if I am not there!  I will get in trouble!"  My heart rate rose and I started sweating like a damned pig.  It took me five minutes to talk sense into myself and realize that I would just have to work remotely tomorrow and Tuesday morning and then fly back Tuesday afternoon and, you know, NO ONE WOULD DIE (and, also, probably no one would be mad).   It would be fine.  I re-booked my flight and came back home.

It got me thinking, though, about my relationship to my job.  I have worked for my present company for six years (come August) and have always done well.  I've been promoted several times and have more responsibility and all sorts of good stuff.  I've only rarely had a manager who was weird about working remotely or scheduling issues or taking vacation.  And yet, I'm ALWAYS terrified that I am going to get fired.  Every. Single. Day.  It's not a mild anxiety, mind you - it's a pure terror.  Every quarter we get a performance review, and every quarter I hear some variation of the same story: "you're doing great, you have things to work on and here they are, but you are awesome at xyz and are great at these things so have a good quarter."  And EVERY quarter, I dread that meeting as if it is the Red Wedding.  I have nightmares about getting fired, thrown out on my ass, being told that I am terrible and useless and a waste of space.  This past week, on vacation, I had a nightmare almost every night about work.  The dreams are always similar: someone in a position of authority (one of my managers or a senior-level client) telling me that I've made a terrible mistake or messed something up and that they know this is a hard message to hear but today is my last day. And I wake up in a cold sweat and remember that it wasn't real...and fall back asleep to resume the next horror-firing scenario.

This isn't normal, right?  Other people don't live in constant dread of losing their job for non-existent reasons?  I mean, it would be one thing if my company weren't doing well and there were layoffs, or if I'd ever been given feedback that would lead me to believe that I was doing poorly, but...this is not the case.  Like, it is not normal for me to say to myself: "Ok, there was a tragic crash at my home airport that means I will have to come home from my vacation a couple days later than planned and work remotely in the meantime - THEY ARE SO GONNA FIRE ME FOR THIS!"  These are insane thoughts, right?

I'm not sure what to do about them.  I guess I should talk to my therapist about it more openly (YES I AM A YUPPIE WOMAN IN SF WITH A THERAPIST, DEAL WITH IT) because what I'm really worried about is what is going to happen if and when I do get fired from a job one day.  Let's be honest, it will probably happen - I'll be in a job that isn't right for me, or I'll get laid off, or the aliens will come to destroy us and all the employers will shut down because, you know, ALIENS.  How will I react then?  Will I collapse and never leave my bed again because something bad actually happened?  Will I become a hippie barista and open a coffee shop that only serves organic coffee made from beans grown in a cave off the coast of Ireland and flown over to the U.S by kite?  Will I join a startup (this last one seems most likely, actually)?

In any case, what I learned on my summer vacation is that I am batshit crazy per the usual, so...nothing new, I suppose.  I'm off to bed soon to prepare for my day of working remotely and steeling myself for the inevitable firing ;)

An Open Letter to Scott Walker

  

Dear Scotty (can I call you Scotty?  I'm going to call you that, OK?), 

I greatly dislike you.  This should not come as a shock, given that I am a hedonist liberal woman under thirty living in San Francisco with All The Gays, and you are...Scott Walker.  I know this is Way Harsh Tai, but, Scotty, I think you are politically shortsighted, unintelligent, and unfeeling toward your fellow humans, and the fact that you are the governor of an entire state frightens me.  The way I feel about you running Wisconsin is the same way I felt during Aladdin when Jafar was the Sultan for a hot minute: scared and disgusted.  

This is how I imagine you in my nightmares.

That being said, we do have one thing in common - we are both concerned about women's health and well-being, or so we both say.  Yesterday, you signed a bill into law in Wisconsin requiring women seeking legal abortions to undergo an ultrasound before the procedure.  You signed the bill in private, doubtless to avoid the inevitable cheering crowds of grateful women who would have gathered to watch you enact a piece of legislation that will "improve... [their] ability to make an informed choice that will protect [their] physical and mental health now and in the future."  

You and the inevitable crowds of thankful women.

In general, I think it is admirable to help women protect their physical and mental health.  I am glad that we share this common goal!  However, I am a bit confused as to how forcing a woman who has made a difficult decision to end a pregnancy to undergo an unnecessary and invasive medical procedure will help her improve her physical and mental health.  Last I heard, ultrasounds did not have any magical healing powers, and making a woman feel extra-guilty about ending a pregnancy by making her look at the non-viable material in her uterus doesn't seem like it would do too much for her mental well-being.  I mean, I spent 50 minutes last week with my therapist discussing my extreme guilt at forgetting to bring a bottle of wine to my friend's dog's birthday picnic; I can't even imagine how many years it would take to get over having to look at the clump of cells in my uterus via ultrasound just ONE MORE TIME before having an abortion.

If you are serious about improving women's mental and physical health, may I suggest some alternate solutions?  Here are a few just off the top of my head: 

1. Support a single-payer universal healthcare system that would provide preventative care, including family planning and pre-natal care for women, to all Americans.  Or at least get over Obamacare and admit it's here to stay.
2. Work to reduce the stigma of mental illness and work to ensure all Americans, including women, can get treatment for mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, etc. 
3. Partner with your fellow politicians to improve working conditions for women nationally, including equal pay, affordable day care options, and swift responses to workplace discrimination.  It would also be great to standardize a paid maternity leave for women to be with a new child and recover from having a fetus living off of them for 9 months.  Also, paternity leave for fathers and adoptive parents would be great.
4. Watch this movie.

 

Scotty-boy, I'm also very pleased that you want women to be able to make informed choices about their health!  YET ANOTHER AREA OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN US, OMG!  However, I could argue that a woman's difficult choice to end a pregnancy is NOT actually "informed" by an unnecessary and invasive procedure as she's definitely aware that she's pregnant and has made the decision to end that pregnancy.  I'm sure that you just haven't taken a lot of time to think all of this through, because if you and your friends in Texas and Ohio and all over the country had, you might have realized that if you want to "inform" and educate women, you should probably spend time and money and political capital on, you know, improving education (including sexual education) for all women and Americans rather than on making ladies look at a grainy image on a screen.  In fact, the areas you could focus on aren't even limited to the public schoolroom!  You could invest in educating women AND men (please, especially men) on domestic abuse and sexual violence and how to stop it!  You could invest in organizations that teach women about their bodies and how to care for them and respect them and demand respect for others!  You could hire someone to give a seminar on vaginas to every male (and maybe a some females) member of the GOP, since some of them think that vaginas have magical powers!  SO MUCH YOU COULD DO!  And, interestingly enough, improving the standing of women through work in healthcare, women's rights and working conditions, education, and public awareness would all have the trickle-down effect (AND I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THAT, SCOTTY!) of reducing the need for abortions.  Because, you know what, I get that you don't like them, and that's ok...but Scott, I think, if we pull together, we could prevent so many of them while actually improving women's lives!  WIN-WIN, SCOTTY-POO!  

So yeah, I hope this is constructive commentary, S-Dawg, on our mutual points of concern regarding women's health.  However, I can't help but wonder if maybe the welfare of women isn't your main concern?  You do look like this in my dreams, remember?

God, you are terrifying.  I forgot because we were having such a good time earlier.

I find myself thinking that maybe this isn't about women's health and well-being at all.  It might not even be about SAVING THE BABIES, because, honestly?  Once they are born, you and your buddies don't seem that concerned with what happens to them, Scotty.  If you were, you might be spending more time and energy on all that stuff I listed above with the healthcare and education and shit rather than freaking out about what a woman does with her body. 

And ultimately, I am worried that this may be your actual problem, Scotty - what it is that women are doing with their bodies.  When you think about it, women haven't had much say in that up until a few decades ago. And now we do, and you know what?  I think that scares the ever-loving shit out of you, Scotty.  Most men are cool with women being, you know, full-fledged people now, but for some reason you and a lot of your friends are just freaking the hell out.  I mean, I guess it makes sense, because we are pretty great and that can be a lot to handle.  There are more of us in college than men now, and we are landing plum jobs and moving up the ladder just as quickly as our male counterparts in many instances.  We are waiting to get married and have children, or (gasp!) not getting married or having children at all!  We are having sex for recreational reasons with more than one partner and we are taking birth control while we are doing it.  Hell, we are even reading Fifty Shades of Grey.*   Basically, for the first time in human history, we are actualized and shit and you know what?  You. Can't. Handle. It.

You cannot handle this.

If this is the case, Scotty, then I'm not really sure where we go from here. If history is any indication, you will probably not see the light any time soon.  You will continue to believe that women cannot be trusted to make decisions about their own bodies and will simultaneously neglect to invest time and effort in initiatives that could assist women in living better and making (actually) more informed decisions about their bodies and health.   You will sit in Wisconsin with your parrot...er, advisors, and come up with even more draconian restrictions that will prevent women who need access to legal medical care from receiving the help they need.  You will continue to put the priorities of the rich and the corrupt over those of the middle class and the poor. You will continue to suck the big one. 

You would be pitiable, Scotty, if you didn't have so much power just now.  But you do, so all women can do is continue to run for, and win, some of the highest offices in the land, and filibuster insane legislation in badass sneakers, and be amazing Secretaries of State (and hopefully future Presidents), and generally just continue to freak you and your buddies the hell out.  Because, honestly?  I don't think you ready for this jelly, Scotty.

Sincerely, 

J-dawg

*P.S.  WRT Fifty Shades, I would be ok with you passing a bill to outlaw that book, or its reading.  Not on any moral grounds, but it's just really bad Twilight fanfiction and the guy smirks a lot and they drink a lot of wine and email.  So like, if you're going to pass a bunch of bullshit laws, you might as well make one of them mildly useful to humanity.