You're a monster and I'm gonna stop you SPOILER ALERT

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MAN OF STEEL AND WANT TO SEE IT STILL AT SOME POINT IN THEATERS OR ON DEMAND OR NETFLIX OR WHATEVER

I haven't posted in literally 18 months but for some reason I am compelled after seeing Batman Begins Except It's Superman Man of Steel.  I really like movies based on comic books despite the fact that (sorry true blue nerds!) I have never read the source material.  The only comic books I've attempted to read were the Buffy Season 8 series, but I stopped because the guys at the comic book store looked at me weird when I came in to buy them (SEXISM).  All I remember is that the government was after Buffy and the Scoobies and they were in Scotland? And Dawn was a giant?  Anyways.  

So I actually enjoyed Man of Steel, though probably not for the reasons Christopher Nolan & crew intended.  It is gorgeously filmed and Henry Cavill is gorgeous and Kevin Costner is all "if you build it they will come" and the effects are AWESOME.  Despite all of this, the movie is not well-written or edited and is, therefore, unintentionally hilarious.  What follows is my recap of the film through one sort-of-nerd's eyes.  Apologies if I missed something; it was a long movie and I had too much wine afterwards.

A RECAP OF BATMAN BEGINS EXCEPT IT'S SUPERMAN, or, OBVIOUS CHRIST IMAGERY: THE MOVIE MAN OF STEEL, directed by the guy who brought you this travesty of a love scene.  

Part 1, in which Russell Crowe has lost a lot of weight since Les Miserables.

He called Jenny.

We begin on Krypton, which is totally exploding from the Kryptonians (?) draining the planet of all its natural resources or whatever.  Russell Crowe, aka Jor-El, delivers* his own son, Kal-El, while an intelligent version of one of those pin box things you would shove your face in to make patterns in as a kid looks on and gives instruction because alien technology.  Afterwards, he goes to the council of Krypton leaders.

Apparently they don't have tablets on Krypton.

*This is a big deal because on Krypton all the babies are genetically pre-coded for their destiny and grown in a Genesis Chamber, which is basically a giant kelp tank with fetuses in fake uteruses growing on branches.  The genetic codes for every unborn Kryptonian ever are all kept on an old skull fragment, called the Codex, which is in the Genesis Chamber with the fetuses, and it's all kinds of creepy and eugenics-y. 

JOR-EL: So, Krypton is dying.  We should probably go.  We can repopulate later, turns out we've been over-thinking that part--

KRYPTON LEADERS: You're suggesting we evacuate the planet?!

JOR-EL:  Well, we have like ships and technology and stuff, so...yes...?

KRYPTON LEADERS: THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS!

AUDIENCE:  Why are these morons wearing gold umbrella stands on their heads?

This enlightened exchange is interrupted by General Zod who comes in with his soldiers and is all like FUCK YOU, KRYPTON LEADERS, YOU TOTALLY SCREWED US OVER! and proceeds to vaporize some of them.  He's crazy but you gotta admit he has a point here.

Turns out he and Jor-El are TOTAL FRENEMIES (military vs. science, blah blah) and they fight about using the Codex to save all of Krypton's bloodlines vs. only those Zod deems worthy because he's basically Hitler.  Jor-El escapes and flies off on a dragon thing (this part is cool but, alas, no screenshot) to steal the Codex and then head back to Chez-El, where his wife, Faora, is waiting to help him launch their kid to Earth.  She's crying and having second thoughts until he's like, "Honey, I know this is hard but if he stays he dies because we are ALL LITERALLY GOING TO DIE.  Also, they have a yellow sun which is good for his cells and he'll be a Christ figure like a god to them," and then she's like, "I guess that makes sense," and they put Kal in his pod and start preparing it for launch with the help of the pin toy robot butler.  Jor-El converts the Codex into an energy beam which does something (foreshadowing dun dun DUN) to Kal and then he does some more science stuff which creates a Krypton USB Key (this is a thing) and throws it in there to complete the Earth Travel Kit.  As they are firing up the engine, Zod comes in.

ZOD: I'm evil; give me the Codex and I'll let you live!

JOR-EL:  As I keep telling everyone, we are all going to die anyways so, um, not worth it.  Also, the Codex is leaving with Jesus my son and screw you.

ZOD:  You're son's totally going to be a freak and no one is going to play with him!  Also I'm going to kill you! 

They fight and everything while Faora takes care of the pod, and when it's ready to launch Zod's like, "Faora don't do it!" and she hesitates because OH MY GOD WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HESITATE?  EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS, BITCH, PRESS THE BUTTON!  Finally she does and off goes Kal-El to Kansas FINALLY. Zod is reaaaallly mad and kills Jor-El with a sword and Faora is crying and I forget exactly how but Zod is captured by the Krypton leaders.  They have a trial (Really, guys?  The world is ending and instead of just locking these assholes up and letting them die with everyone else you put them on trial?  Ain't nobody got time for that.) and sentence them to being ice blocks in a black hole for a while, after which time they will starve to death in space post-Krypton destruction (except they won't b/c otherwise there won't be a movie).  Before they are frozen Zod is like I WILL TOTALLY FIND YOUR SON FAORA and because she is stupid she lets them freeze him and his crew anyways instead of totally killing his ass.  Faora goes home to await destruction and is swallowed in a fireball with her pin toy robot butler by her side as Krypton's core explodes.  Bye, Krypton!  

Part 2, in which Henry Cavill spends 40 days and nights in the desert does manual labor and has flashbacks to his childhood a la Bruce Wayne hanging with criminals and Liam Neeson in Batman Begins.  It doesn't work quite as well here.

Thirty-three years later (well, would you look at that!) on Earth, Clark Kent is wandering around trying to find his destiny.  He is sometimes shirtless, though not often enough if you ask me, which you didn't.  First he's on a fishing boat when an oil rig explodes and in an awesome sequence saves all the workers and looks great doing it.  

This man is on FI-AAHHHHH

He falls into the ocean and flashes back to being a kid and having his x-ray vision and super-hearing and laser eyes completely freak him out to the point where he has to lock himself in the broom closet and they call his mother.  She gets him to calm down while the teacher and the rest of class surround them and whisper about how he's a freak because that's a totally normal thing to do when a 7 year old is having a nervous breakdown in a broom closet, amirite?

Back in the present day, Clark swims to shore, (sadly) steals some clothes, and somehow goes to work at a dive bar where he defends a sweet cocktail waitress from creeps.  He flashes back to being on a schoolbus in his tween years.

FAT BULLY: Hey stupid Clark, what'd you think of the game?

LANA LANG: Leave Clark alone!  We're going to have a great time on Smallville!

FAT BULLY:  I mean, I actually would just like his thoughts on the game.  I'm pretty tame as far as bullies go.

SCHOOLBUS:  AHHHHH I AM GOING OFF A BRIDGE INTO A RIVER!  

Clark saves them all from watery death by pushing the bus to shore and then goes back for the bully.  This turns out to be a bad move as said bully and his mom go to Chez Kent and the mom is all, "My son knows what he saw and HOLY SHIT MARTHA THAT SHIT IS NOT NORMAL, OK?"  If I were Martha, I'd be all like, "By the way, you're welcome for having a NOT DEAD SON!" but instead she's like, "Oh, well, you know how it is with boys, haha, more tea?"  Outside, Clark is mad that he is in trouble for saving like 10 kids' lives because, you know, most people get medals for that shit: 

JONATHAN:  Clark, we talked about this.  The world can't know about your powers because they would lose their shit.  Did you see what they tried to do to that guy in the bat suit in Gotham? 

CLARK: So what, I was supposed to just let them die?

JONATHAN:  Maybe. 

AUDIENCE:  That shit is cold, Jonathan. That shit is cold.

JONATHAN:  Clark, let me add to your emotional turmoil by telling you that you are actually an alien that we found in a pod.  We are not your real parents and all you had with you when we found you was this weird USB key made of a metal not on the periodic table, which, as I don't have to tell you, is some serious shit.  

CLARK: ...

JONATHAN:  So, whoever your real parents were sent you here for a reason and one day you'll figure that out and it's up to you and destiny and you could change the world.  But yeah, like I was saying,  people fear what they don't understand so good luck with that.

CLARK:  This day sucks.

Part 3, in which Clark Kent meets Lois Lane, Elliot Stabler, Toby from the West Wing, maybe the General (I think he was there at this part anyways?), and half the supporting cast of Battlestar Galactica

Lois Lane gets out of a helicopter in the frozen tundra/mountains of Canada, where she is greeted by Helo from BSG, and the cool half of the audience is like, "It's Helo!  Wow, is this all he's done since Dollhouse?"  Helo's like, "Joe will get your bags," and LO AND BEHOLD, "Joe" is Clark Kent!  Lois meets Toby from the West Wing as well as Colonel Elliot Stabler (DUN DUN):  

LOIS:  I'm here to get info on the thing you found even though you tried to stop me!  But the Canadians believe in freedom of the press, so HA!  

COL. STABLER:  I'm not happy to see you here because I hate the Daily Planet and reporters and I hate you, but Toby from the West Wing and Lt. Gaeta, late of BSG, will tell you everything you need to know anyways from our scans.

LT. GAETA:  It's an alien object encased in ice for like a bazillion years so we are not alone.  Are these all the lines I get? 

COL. STABLER:  Basically.

LT. GAETA:  Damn it. 

COL. STABLER:  Ms. Lane, here's your bunk; definitely don't go outside in the dark and scale a glacier to go investigate the alien thing and take pictures, ok?  G'nite. (DUN DUN) 

Lois proceeds to go outside in the dark and scale a glacier to go investigate the alien thing and take pictures.  However, "Joe" has beat her to it and uses his laser eyes to carve a tunnel into what turns out to be an old Kryptonian scout ship, where he sees a USB port that matches his key.  The consciousness of Jor-El appears and tells Clark all about his backstory and the Codex and all that good stuff we've already been over, thank the lord:

JOR-EL: So yeah, you can be the bridge between us and the humans and show them the way and be a Christ figure and that's your destiny and here, I even made you a suit with a cape and this symbol means hope so you are all about hope, son!  

CLARK: Cool.

Like an idiot, Lois gets into a fight with a pin toy robot butler which gives her a nasty abdominal wound.  Luckily, Clark shows up in time to squash the robot and save her and she FREAKS OUT and he's like, "You are hemorrhaging internally so I need to cauterize the wound, sorry," and I'm like, does cauterizing really take care of the internal bleeding?  Anyways, he does this with his laser eyes and she screams and it's a bit disturbing. 

Clark flies the ship to Antarctica or something and, with Jor-El's ghost's guidance, puts on his suit and "tests his limits," and there is a cool scene where he figures out he can fly and this goes on for awhile but it's fun and the expression of glee on Henry Cavill's face is pretty cute.

Later, Lois is back at the Daily Planet, which is apparently the only newspaper in the entire world that is still profitable, and is trying to pitch her "laser eyes super strength man" story to Perry White/Morpheus, who is one of two, count 'em, two black characters** I recall from the entire movie.    He's like, "No, and also Jimmy Olsen is now a girl named Jenny."  Lois is like FINE WHATEVER and leaks her story to a crazy conspiracy theorist blogger and then proceeds to track Clark down via an  INVESTIGATION MONTAGE.  She interviews Helo, and the oil rig guys, and the cocktail waitress, and grown up Fat Bully, who now hilariously manages an IHOP.  She finally finds Clark's mom and then goes to his dad's grave, where Clark meets up with her and is like, please don't out me.  She is touched by his BLUE BLUE EYES and doesn't, and gets into trouble at work for leaking the story to the conspiracy blogger, but Perry White is like, "You're on admin leave and I'm pissed at you, but I know you're telling the truth so I'm glad you're shutting up because if this is what it looks like people are going to lose their fucking minds," and I'm like, IS THIS PART OF THE MOVIE OVER YET?

**The movie's two black characters.

Part 4, in which shit finally gets real (sort of)

Clark goes home to his mom and is like, "I figured out my destiny, sort of!  And don't worry about that reporter, I'm going to hit that, probably."  At NORAD (sadly my friends had to tell me this is what this was, I don't know these things), the second black character, General Swanwick (aka guy who was in the Matrix AND Dollhouse; SO MANY CONNECTIONS!) is getting reports that there is a ship orbiting Earth.  The ship, which is of course General Zod's because DUH, hovers over Metropolis and sends a signal out to all the world saying turn in Kal-El or they all die:  

JENNY OLSEN:  Wow, the evil threat message is even on my NOKIA PHONE!  

The conspiracy theorist goes on TV saying, "We should ask Lois Lane because she totally knows this guy," and the FBI and Col. Stabler show up at her apartment, and Lois is like, "Oh, fuck."  Clark goes to a priest in Kansas for guidance in a scene which is hilarious in its pointlessness:

CLARK:  So, I'm the alien.  Can't trust Zod but can't trust humans either.  Any advice?

PRIEST:  Uhhh...take a leap of faith?

CLARK:  OK.  (Leaves.)

Clark flies to...the desert (?) to meet the General, Col. Stabler, and Toby from the West Wing to turn himself in to the US government.  They take him into custody and put him in an interrogation room with Lois Lane where they sort of flirt and she almost says "superman" and then the general interrupts through the mirror and Clark's like, "Guys, the jig is up, I have x ray vision and can fly and why are we even doing this?"  And the General and Toby and Col. Stabler are all, "Ok, well, we're turning you into Zod," and Clark's like, "Fine, whatever," and the audience is like, "Why did this scene happen?!"  

So they are back in the desert and Clark and the military are waiting for Zod's henchmen and Lois is all, "Don't do this," and Clark is like, "I have to because guilt," and flashes back to when his Dad died...I think?  Maybe?  Or maybe it was later in the movie that he flashes back to this one?  Or earlier?  In any case, the timing of the flashback did not make sense.  Christ, this movie was badly edited.  But in any case at some point Clark flashes back to this so we might as well hear about it now.  Teen Clark is in the car with his parents and Hank the dog:

TEEN CLARK:  I HATE YOU DAD AND YOU ARE NOT MY REAL PARENTS ANYWAYS AND I AM A WHINY TEEN.

MARTHA: Clark!  You are being a little bitch again!  

JONATHAN:  No, he's right, we're not his parents, but he's going to seriously regret his bitchiness in a minute so let it go.

HANK:  Ugh humans.

A tornado suddenly comes and all the traffic stops and Jonathan helps marshall everyone to hide under an overpass for safety when Martha freaks out because they left Hank in the car, right in the tornado's path. 

JONATHAN:  I will risk my life for the dog!  Clark, stay here with your mom! 

TEEN CLARK: But...there's a tornado...and it's just a dog...seriously?!

HANK: Fuck you, man.

After nearly being crushed to death by a car, Jonathan rescues Hank, who runs to safety with Martha under the overpass.  Then, instead of RUNNING TO SAFETY, Jonathan just STANDS THERE LIKE A COMPLETE FREAKING IDIOT and holds up his hand to Clark all, "No, son, let me go," and lets the tornado blow him away FOR NO LEGITIMATE REASON WHATSOEVER.

TEEN CLARK:  KAAAAAAAHHHHHNNNNN!!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

HANK:  This is awkward.

So, that was the flashback and it is the most frustratingly ridiculous superhero origin-story parental death ever in the history of film ugh.

Back in the present, Clark says, "I let my father die, even though it was mostly the result of my parents' joint stupidity, so I'm going to go to Zod to save Earth." (I think?  In any case, later in the movie he goes into danger again and maybe uses the flashback as an excuse at that point, who knows.)  Lois is like, "Ok then," and finally a ship comes with Zod's bitchy henchwoman to take Clark away.  The General and Col. Stabler are like, "So, Earth and Zod, we're cool now, right?"  BUT it turns out Zod also wants Lois Lane because *reasons*.  Lois agrees to go because Zod is an evil space alien with unlimited firepower so...limited options there.  Clark gives Lois his USB key and they go up to the mothership and Zod is like "I AM ZOD***!  You triggered a signal with your USB key and so we found you after 33 years of searching so here we are MWAHAHA!"

***I AM ZOD!

Upon exposure to the Kryptonian atmosphere inside the ship, Clark becomes weak and passes out and then Zod goes into his mind and is all, "Give me the Codex and join me and we will rebuild Krypton on the bones of humanity!" and Clark is all: 

UM NO THANKS

So Zod's like, "your loss" and has one of his henchmen take some of Clark's blood to figure out why he is so strong on Earth.  Meanwhile, Lois is being held prisoner in a chamber with no guards because that strategy always works out well for villains.  She sees a USB port and plugs in the key and Jor-El appears and is like,  "Honey, I got this, just do what I say," and he awesomely takes over the ship and opens doors and helps her get into an escape pod while he turns the ship back to human eco-levels.  Strong again, Clark kicks the shit out of everyone and flies Christ-like out into space to save Lois as she falls to Earth.

Are you guys getting this yet?

Zod is SUPER MAD and decides to go down with some of his posse to harass Clark's mom and destroy her house and barn to find out where the Codex is when Clark shows up and a BIG BATTLE SCENE begins because Clark is like "OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST ATTACK MY MOTHER.  COME AT ME BRO!"  The battle scene is basically Clark and Zod flying at each other and banging into shit and throwing each other all around Kansas and Fat Bully's IHOP and this goes on for quite awhile.  The army shows up under the lead of Col. Stabler and they proceed to make things EVEN WORSE for everyone by firing at Clark in addition to Zod and his posse and the audience is like SMH.  Eventually Zod's protective helmet thing comes off and he is overwhelmed by his senses and has to go back up to his ship, so Clark fights two of his henchmen including this super evil bitch who Just. Will. Not. Die.  After tons of things blowing up and flying and crashing and the army and Col. Stabler getting in the way (DUN DUN), the henchmen also finally leave.  The army people approach Clark with their weapons but are uncertain what to do.

COL. STABLER: This man is not our enemy.

CLARK:  NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. 

AUDIENCE: So this is the first Earth battle scene.  That means we have, what, at least like 2 or 3 left?  Jesus.

Part 5, in which I am sorry I started this recap because JESUS CHRIST this movie was long and confusingly edited

Back on Zod's ship, Zod has figured out from his henchman's blood test that the Codex is actually inside Clark himself (remember the foreshadowing from earlier?)...and Zod doesn't need Clark alive to to resurrect the Kryptonian race!  OH NOES!  He tells his peeps to deploy the "World Machine," and then goes to the scout ship to reprogram it and take it to repopulate the Kryptonian species.  He argues with the ghost of Jor-El about morals and genocide for a bit and it's boring and finally he delete's Jor-El's consciousness file and is like, SHOWTIME, BITCHES.

I am still evil and this movie is still happening.

(Note: at some point in here there was another flashback to Clark being teased by actual bullies and not fighting back and Jonathan being like, good job!  But I don't remember when it came into play or why exactly it was relevant but just noting it because I TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY, ALRIGHT?)

Zod's ship goes to Metropolis and the World Machine goes to the opposite side of the Earth in the Indian Ocean (I think?) and they start doing a joint pulsing magnet thing which sends a shockwave of destruction throughout Metropolis.  It is like Independence Day but a lot slower and lamer.  At NORAD, the General and Toby from the West Wing and some Military Chick are looking at Science Readouts: 

We are doing science.

Dr. Toby determines that Zod is terraforming so he can kill all the humans and remake Krypton on their bones.  Luckily, Jor-El's ghost foresaw this exact situation (?) and told Lois how to stop it, and Lois told Clark (who is now going by "Superman," finally), and they have a pow-wow with the General, Dr. Toby, and Col. Stabler to go over the details:

CLARK:  Here's the deal: we can send them back to the Phantom Zone, using--

DR. TOBY: --a singularity!  YES! SCIENCE!  All we need to do deploy the pod you were found in with your USB key and against Zod's ship here in Metropolois...

CLARK:  ...and I'll go to the Indian Ocean to stop the World Machine...

DR. TOBY: ...AND ZOD AND HIS WHOLE CREW WILL BE SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE!  President Bartlett will be so proud!

COL. STABLER:  That's a viable plan.  

AUDIENCE:  What...but...what the fuck?  How so?

LOIS:  Clark, this is so dangerous!  Don't do it! 

CLARK:  Well, like I said earlier (or maybe now, who knows when that flashback actually happened, fucking editors), I let my dad die to save a dog and I'm semi-guilty and tortured about it, so I'm not going to let Earth down, ok?

LOIS:  Fine, we still have two battle scenes left, let's do this. 

Meanwhile, in Metropolis, Perry White and Jenny Olsen and some other guy are running from the destruction while  Lois and the military are in a plane trying to deploy the pod to stop Zod using Science.  There's a very tense buildup and a battle and there's a showdown between Col. Stabler and Zod's super-bitchy hench woman who will Just. Not. Die. as they approach Zod's ship and Lois tries to get the USB key into the port.  

DR. TOBY:  WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?

LOIS:  Something's wrong!  It's supposed to go all the way in!

AUDIENCE: That's what she said.

Eventually, Dr. Toby figures out that you have to close the damned pod for the USB key to go in and the whole apparatus to be activated for...science.  Col. Stabler sacrifices himself and most of his crew (and finally kills the stupid bitchy hench woman) and flies the plane, pod and all, into Zod's ship, just as Clark has destroyed the World Machine after an epic struggle.  Perry and Jenny are saved just in time.  Lois falls from the plane and of course Clark is there to save her, and then he is off to fight Zod who has shown up with his scout ship.  Zod is all, "if you destroy this ship, you destroy Krypton!" and Clark is all, "Eh, Krypton had its shot," and then he uses laser eyes to blow up the Genesis Chamber and crash the ship.  The world is saved!  Everyone is happy!  Lois and Clark reunite in the rubble outside Metropolis!  They kiss! Perry and Jenny and the other guy look on and are like GO GIRL YOU GET THAT KRYPTONIAN ASS!   

LOIS:  They say it's all downhill after the first date.

CLARK:  I think that only applies to humans.

AUDIENCE:

OBVIOUSLY Zod is not dead and he reappears and makes more threats and throws Superman to the ground.

CLARK:  You're a monster, Zod, and I'm gonna stop you.

AUDIENCE:

Now begins the FINAL BATTLE SCENE, where Superman and Zod proceed to TOTALLY DESTROY LIKE HALF OF METROPOLIS, because Superman couldn't have made the tiniest effort to move the fight anywhere else sparing millions of dollars in additional property damage and possibly thousands of lives? 

"This seems like a good place for an epic battle!" -No one.

They fight for a while and the end up in Grand Central Station some train station in Metropolis, where a Cute Wittle Family is...hanging out?  Anyways, Zod is like I WILL DESTROY THEM WITH MY LASER EYES!  And Clark is like NOOOOOOO and grabs Zod and has him in a choke hold and FINALLY SNAPS HIS NECK AND ZOD IS DEAD THANK GOD THE MOVIE MUST BE ALMOST OVER.

Lois comes in and Clark is like tortured by having killed Zod...for...some reason?  And this is the face he makes:

I AM UPSET FOR SOME REASON THAT I SAVED THE WORLD  AHHHHH!

And he hugs Lois and Metropolis is mostly in ashes and...that's that scene.

Part 7, in which I am going to go drink wine now

We cut to Clark's dad's grave, where Clark and Martha are bonding post-near-apocalypse:

MARTHA:  Your dad really thought you were going to be a force for good and that people would know about you and you would be great you know.

CLARK:  Really?  Then, what was with all those mixed messages, and the whole "No one can know! They won't understand you" and dying to save a dog, and telling me to let those kids die, and--

MARTHA:  That's not important right now.  So what's your plan now, kid?

CLARK:  Well, I need a job where I can go anywhere dangerous at a moment's notice and also a disguise, so I'm thinking journalist at a newspaper and...glasses?

MARTHA:  That oughta do it. 

THE END OF THE MOVIE THANK JESUS SUPERMAN