Mapping life and the perils of winter

I have spent the last couple of days dealing with the ridiculously freezing temperatures in NYC and a lovely cold o'death that has taken over my nasal passages, lungs, and throat the last few days. Really inconvenient timing as we have a big week at work, especially tomorrow - my boss and I have to give a presentation on career development and then we all meet with our VP to talk about Q1 accomplishments (personally, I think it's an accomplishment that we're all still alive at this point) and Q2 goals (again, I think remaining among the living is something to shoot for). Suffice it to say, getting the Death Blargh (as one of my fave bloggers calls it) this week was not the best thing that could have happened.

The good news is, the cold didn't really set in until after my first personal training session yesterday morning. I was proud of myself for getting through it, though I was less proud when, at the end, Rob the Trainer told me that the session was the "warm up" and he had taken it pretty easy on me. I was sweating like a pig DURING THE STRETCHING. Every single muscle in my body hurts today! Friday morning is going to be very interesting. But, hey, I asked for it. And am paying a ridiculous amount of money for it. So, good to know I'm getting my shit-ton of money's worth!

Due to these circumstances, I am once again behind on the 31dayreset, heh. All who are shocked, raise your virtual hands. That's what I thought. The latest assignment I've actually completed is a map of my life as I want it to be (see image above). The most relevant "aha" moment to come out of this is that I think I really do want children. I've been wavering about this for a while but I think that, like most people, I want to be a parent someday. Not a day TOO close to the present, but someday. Other than that, honestly, I think the map is mostly a rehash of previous assignments - I'm not too certain it's the most vital assignment so far. However, it is nice to have it represented visually, I suppose.

And now for something completely different: in honor of Keith Olbermann's ousting from MSNBC, I would now like to add a special comment on an entirely different topic: Oscar nominations.

Oscar people, you have got to give me a fucking break. I have some real problems with some of this shit. My first problem is that Christopher Nolan does not get a directing nod. Did you not SEE the movie? Were you asleep? Were your cats scheduled for surgery and you got distracted? COME ON.

My second gripe: Ten Best Picture nominations? Really? Do we need that? And if we're going to have ten of them, does The Kids Are All Right really have to be included?? I'm sorry, but that movie was the most boring average family "dramedy" I have seen in years, and it was not made more interesting or amusing by dint of the parents being lesbians. Like, how many cliches can we fit into one film? Workaholic/alcoholic control-freak parent? Check. Insecure and funemployed other parent who is searching for meaning and self-esteem outside a strained marriage? Check. Two siblings, one Type A and the other seriously in need of an attitude check, dealing with the normal challenges of growing up? Check. New parental figure/romantic interest introduced into their lives who shakes things up for a bit, and a nice reconciliation at the end? Check, and check. The result? 5,000 other movies like this. Why it's nominated for an Oscar? Because...the parents are lesbians and therefore...more...interesting? Blurgh blargh ugh.

So, I guess I apologize to anyone reading this who thought the movie rocked, but I was so bored by it and had an irrationally negative reaction to it getting on that list lol. Also, I didn't see 127 Hours but I object to its nomination on the basis that watching a guy remove his own arm while trapped in a cave is gross and I don't want to see that shit.

With that, Happy Tuesday! ;)

I have a mission...and a personal trainer!

Once again, I'm a 31dayreset delinquent, but not so far behind this time. I think it might have something to do with when I get my emails (I signed up in the evening, so I receive my emails around 8 pm every night, when I'm usually doing something like eating, working out, or watching TV. Then I go to bed before even looking at it.). I'm going to tackle Day 5 below in a bit, but first, an amazing and thrilling LIFE UPDATE!

Ok, so it's not that great, but I am, dare I say, quite pleased with myself: today, I went to the local gym around the corner and signed up for a membership and THIRTY personal training sessions! I actually owe the reset for finally inspiring me to take this step - I was reading through my Life Assessment and just couldn't get over the Health section and how difficult it was for me to come up with one thing I actually liked about my current physical and mental well-being. I mean, I'm 26 years old! I didn't intend to feel this shitty about my health until I was at least 50. Now, however, I'm hoping to start down a path to NEVER feeling this shitty about my health again until I am dead and rotting in the ground or ashes (undecided as to how I'm going to that part still).

I've always been interested in hiring a personal trainer but was always put off by the cost, the time commitment, the blah blah blah...I had a lot of excuses. But you know what? Cost is not a barrier, really - if I have the money to go out and buy several $12 cocktails a couple times a week, I think I can afford to skip some of those and reinvest that cash into my health. And what is a bit of money and time compared to not feeling like a giant lumbering out-of-breath whale-person all the time? Now, I know that the 1.2 of you who read this/know me are going to be all like, "You are not a whale! And anyways, size doesn't matter and you are a perfect sunshine flower child!" And I thank you in advance for your support LOL. Regardless, the truth is that I feel like shit and feel like I look like shit (relative to how I used to look, anyways). But today, I'm excited because I am able to admit to myself that being healthy (and, yes, in my case getting healthy mostly means losing a significant amount of weight) is key to my happiness and mental health. Though I haven't lost a pound, taking that step already makes me feel more positive about myself, work, and the future.

In other news, one of my best friends from college (Indian Doctor Girl, who also happens to be my Indian Engineer Roommate's fiance) is in town and it's AWESOME. (Side note - I'm going to have to develop a dramatis personae of my friends and family for this blog - that should be fun! Consider the Indians here the first two characters:)) Last night, we went out to dinner with some folks (including @kh8rhymeswith) and then consumed some of those aforementioned $12 cocktails and got very, very, very...tipsy. Hilarity ensued and let's just say I'll never think of the word "chutney" the same way ever again...

Finally, it's time to stop procrastinating and tackle Day 5 of the reset - writing my personal mission statement. Here goes:

I believe in having the power to direct my own life without fear or self-consciousness. I will direct my life so that it has tangible positive impact on for my family, friends, colleagues, and society. I believe in enjoying my life while constantly trying to improve it. I will take care of myself, both physically and mentally, so that I can better influence and take care of others for my own good and for theirs. I will create on a daily basis and attempt to enjoy the creative process while also moving toward larger creative goals and gaining recognition. I value having a comfortable space to live in and share with family and friends, while also reserving time for myself. I will not cease to be silly or irreverant, and will never allow a false sense of "respect" for certain social norms prevent me from being myself or from loving the geeky, crazy, Nick Cage-related things that I love. I will sing every day, and dance when I feel like it. I will love my family but not hide behind them; I will be my own person and make decisions for me first without regard to an over-developed sense of duty. I will continue to watch all vampire-related TV shows and love them. I will cry when I need to and will not feel guilty. I will be the best and happiest person I can be.

Wow, that was a lot. And kind of weird. I like it, HA!

In any case, hope to post again tomorrow! In the meantime, enjoy (and stay warm, those of you freezing with me on the East Coast!).

As usual, I am already behind...

I'm already amazing at this blogging/31dayreset thing - except for the fact that I cannot seem to keep up with my daily assignments already, ha. So this is gonna be a doozy, my friends - THREE days in one! I have no excuse except that a.) I'm lazy, and b.) I have access to my mother's Netflix account and there is still a whole season of Psych available for instant viewing that I haven't seen. It's a real problem. James Roday is funny, y'all.

Day 2's assignment was a Life Assessment (dun dun DUN). I was a bit scared at first, but once I started writing it actually felt cathartic to get this stuff out.

Essentially, you're supposed to list what you truly love and hate about seven aspects of your life:

• Lifestyle (satisfaction with where you live/living environment, how you spend your leisure time these days)
• Work (satisfaction with where you work right now, what you do to earn your living)
• Education (satisfaction with your educational attainment to date - college, vocational school and other learning goals)
• Finances (the current state of your budget/money management, salary, net worth, debt-to-income ratio)
• Health (the current state of your mental, physical and spiritual health - mind, body, soul)
• Family (the quality of your relationships with family members, siblings, children)
• Relationships (the quality of your relationships with friends and romantic partners)

While nothing below will likely surprise anyone who knows me well, it is useful to write them down...

Lifestyle

• LOVE: I've finally grasped the work/life balance thing, and I feel that I have more free time than I did even 6 months ago. I enjoy having the time I need to see my friends, read/write/watch things on various screens, and just vegetating.
• HATE: Now that I've figured out w/l balance to a certain extent, I ask myself, "Dear Self, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU LOSER?!?" I'm always worrying that I don't spend enough time on the right things and sometimes I just feel bored. I want to do more fun activities that I actually enjoy during my leisure time, and I need to keep busier with activities that bring me joy.

Work

• LOVE: I have a well-paying job at a GREAT company that allows me to live pretty well. The degree of difficulty of my job is extremely low, especially considering I have no real "skills" other than liking to read and speaking some French. I also really enjoy my immediate coworkers who are great people :)
  
• HATE: I mean, I do HR. This job requires zero creativity and passion on my part. A well-trained and presentable monkey could do it. Also, a lot of the people who are, ahem, "deciders" are disingenuous and/or morons. So...yeah.

Education

• LOVE: I went to a great school and got a great, if not particularly marketable, education. I am somehow now qualified to do work in the corporate world and get paid pretty well for it. Go figure.
  
• HATE: It would be nice to have an actual marketable skill. Like, I speak French, but...who...cares? Other than the French? A higher degree would be satisfying as well.
  

Finances

• LOVE: I have money to pay the bills and put something away every months. I feel like if I lost my job tomorrow, I'd be ok for a good while. It's a good feeling.
• HATE: I do have some lingering student debt to pay off, but if I keep up my current payments I should be done within the next 1-2 years, which isn't bad at all. Also - I do not like throwing money down the black hole which is rent. I'd like to own something (like, a house) sooner rather than later.
  

Health

• LOVE: This is kind of hard. I guess, objectively, my physical health is not that bad - my numbers (glucose, bp, etc. etc.) are all pretty good, and I don't have any serious physical health problems other than needing to lose some weight (like most of America) and get more active.
• HATE: My mental health has always been and will always be a struggle. I'm doing the best I can but it's hard fighting against genetics, especially during the winter when it's almost like fighting through a thick fog to stave off serious depression. Physically, I really do need to get into better shape. I used to be able to run 4 miles a day - can't do that anymore. I want to get back there!

Family

• LOVE: I love my immediate family and they are fantastic people. My mother is my best friend :) My brother is a hilarious, inspiring person, and my dad is one of those extraordinary people who knows so much it astounds you. I know they will always be there for me, no matter what. I also have good relationships with a few of my cousins, one of whom is one of my best friends.
  
• HATE: Besides my nuclear family and a few cousins and aunts and uncles, my extended family is pretty much shit. From my alcoholic, narcissistic grandfather to my born-again Christian missionary cousins with the endless cycle of pregnancies, I have zero relationship with these people. Nor do I really want to.

Relationships

• LOVE: My friends feel to me like an extension of my nuclear family - no matter what I say or do, they will always be there for me and will never judge me.
  
• HATE: I would like to have a S.O. (yeaaaaahhhh, boooyyzzz) and feel a bit lonely in that regard. I mostly hate that I usually talk myself out of any opportunity to obtain one - I've got commitment and trust issues up the wazoo. Whatever a wazoo is.

Now for Day 3: Identifying my values.

Below is a list of all the values I wrote down, in the order in which they came to me:

• Power/Agency
• Meaning
• Knowledge
• Family
• Friends
• Love
• Health
• Contentment
• Comfort/Stability
• Creation

To be entirely truthful, I added "agency" to the first bullet because "power" looked kind of scary sitting on the page all by itself. But I also think the qualifying value is important because that first value doesn't mean that I want to enslave Middle-Earth from atop Mount Doom or anything - I just want to have the ability/independence/authority to do, to a certain extent, what I want to do without being afraid or considering others' reactions or thoughts.

The other value I feel the need to comment on is "creation." I'm not donating money to one of those museums that show humans and dinosaurs co-existing - I mean I think that *making* something in my life, something tangible, is important to me. I want there to be some record of me when I'm gone - something my children can point to and say, "She did that." Again, it's narcissistic, but it's how I feel.

Finally, Day 4's assignment is twofold. To quote from Rosetta's lovely assignment email:

"Part 1: Am I Currently Living Out My Values?

Now that you're clear on what you really care about, you want to compare your values to how you're currently living your life. For each value that you identified in your "Reset 10", rate yourself from 1-10 on how you feel you're acting out that particular value in your life. Be honest with yourself - it's the only way to be able to improve upon the life you're living now to the life you want to be living in the future!

Part 2: What Do My Values Look Like in Action?

For each value that you identified in your "Reset 10", list out at least three actions that you currently take or that you should be taking in order to honor and fulfill that value in your life. What kinds of things would you be doing if you were living in full accordance with your values? What would it really look like for you to be able to rate yourself as a "10" on how you live out all your values?"

So, pretty self-explanatory, but hard, right? Below are my ratings and actions.

Power/Agency: Rating - 4
Actions: Stop consulting my family on my life decisions, do something I've always wanted to do (like audition for a show or a group or something wild) without thought to consequence or others' opinions, speak up to colleagues/bosses at work when things are not going the way I need them to
Meaning: Rating - 2
Actions: Find an enjoyable way of volunteering and DO IT, do the 31dayreset (ha! I'm good on that one!), learn about a new philosophy and try to incorporate parts of it into my daily living
Knowledge: Rating - 7
Actions: Continue to learn new skills (@ work - programming for instance), read a non-fiction book a month, become more conversant in current events and policy issues
Family: Rating - 6
Actions: Reach out to some estranged family members who have gone through a tough time, do NOT contribute to family negativity regarding some family members, do something nice for a random family member (card/letter/email) once per month
Friends: Rating - 7
Actions: Keep in better touch with my friends who live far away, make a new friend in NY outside of my current circles, spend time truly listening to friends who need help
Love: Rating - 0
Actions: This has to do with romantic love, of which there is currently none in my life lol. I need to go out on DATES, not judge people based on superficial matters, get back on OkCupid, smile more, realize that I am worth loving, and try not to ruminate on possible future disaster scenarios where I am left crying in the rain somewhere while the one man I opened myself up to is off with his new model-turned-UN Goodwill Ambassador wife.
Health: Rating - 4
Actions: work out for at least 30 minutes per day, eat more vegetables and fruits, STOP drinking soda, get into a normal sleep regimen, lift weights
Contentment: Rating - 4
Actions: Be more grateful for what I have, think of others first, say my mantra every day and believe it
Comfort/Stability: Rating - 6
Actions: be better with my finances and save a bit more, consider where I might want to invest in real estate, call my financial advisor at Schwab and put together a plan
Creation: Rating - 5
Actions: write in this blog regularly, write something (anything!) for at least 10 minutes per day, including songs, finish and revise that screenplay I wrote 2/3 of 2 years ago, follow through on one of my many half-baked novel ideas and try to get it published

PHEW. Looking at that, all I can think is - JESUS, I have a lot to do! However, a lot of these things can actually be done - they really can!

Ok, so that's it for tonight. Maybe tomorrow, in addition to talking about the reset I can actually write about something else too!

Thanks to all 1.5 of you who read this for bearing with me...I hope you enjoy.

<3

Joining the 31-day reset craze...

So, now that two of my friends have begun the #31dayreset with good feedback, and I've been feeling pretty depressed and powerless lately, so I decided: why not go for it? I haven't blogged in over a year, and as you can see from the grand total of 2 previous posts I wasn't that committed to it when I was doing it lol. This time, however, I hope to use this space to talk about the reset as I think my main issue with blogging is that I had trouble coming up with something to actually write about, and, well, here we go, a ready-made topic! Also, concentrating on a daily writing task will hopefully provide some focus in my life, which has become rather unfocused of late. Other than work, I seem to spend most of my time sleeping and watching TV and crying most of the time, which isn't healthy, obviously. Perhaps if I can throw some energy into this I'll be more motivated to get out of bed and less afraid of, well, everything than I have been recently.

The first step, other than picking a notebook (a large blue moleskine for which I've been searching for a use for some time now), is to pick a personal mantra. I found a quote from Audre Lorde, which I love and is very applicable to my life:

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

I'll continue to blog about the reset as it continues, and, hey, maybe someone will read this eventually!