I'm thinking of recording this...

...anyone have any equipment?  It's a parody of Taylor Swift's "We are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and is a good summary of how many ladies feel about politics this week, I believe.

I remember when you Repubs said, ladies,

The war on women isn’t really real, now we’d 
Love it if you’d let us tell you what
You should do with your bodies. (What?)
Then you came around again and said
"Ladies, we miss you and we swear we’re gonna change, trust me."
But remember how Paul Ryan tried to say
That there are different types of rape? We’re not stupid.

Oooh we gave to Obama last night
And oooh, for the last time we’re telling you, we’re telling you

We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
You can go on Fox News, spew some more lies, have a Tea Party

And we are never ever ever ever gonna vote for Romney.

Like, ever...

Remember when we tried to call you out
And you insisted that you only care about
The e-conomy, which actually would be helped if you
Stopped trying to take away our healthcare.

Oooh, we gave to Planned Parenthood last night
And oooh, for the last time we’re telling you, we’re telling you

We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
You can go on Fox News, spew some more lies, have a Tea Party

And we are never ever ever ever gonna vote for Romney.

Oooh yeah, oooh yeah, oooh yeah
Oh oh oh

I used to think that you could get it together
And I used to say, "Never say never..."
Huh, so Todd Akin goes on the air is all like, "I misspoke”
And I'm like... "I just... I mean this is exhausting, you don't even know how the uterus works,
and I am never voting for your party. Like, ever"

No!

We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
You can go on Fox News, spew some more lies, have a Tea Party

And we are never ever ever ever gonna vote for Romney.

We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney
We are never ever ever gonna vote for Romney

You can go on Fox News, spew some more lies, have a Tea Party

And we are never ever ever ever gonna vote for Romney.

How to impress people at work without having a clue what you're doing (a response to Molly Templeton's call for "how to" articles by women)

Here's how to impress coworkers and bosses at your company without having a damned clue what the hell you're doing.

1.  Memorize all the acronyms.  This doesn't necessarily mean you have know what all the acronyms represent; just remember the acronyms themselves and use them as often as possible.  Why?  Because nobody has the damnedest idea what any of them could possibly mean.  However, if you throw enough of them around, you will *sound* as if you know what you're going on about, and people will treat you with reverence and fear.  If anyone is ballsy enough to ask you to define an acronym, no problem - simply comply and define said acronym with yet another acronym.  This has never failed me.  For example: 

Me:  Hey, Bob, are you going to the sync at 1:30 on the GBS team's HBC project council?

Bob:  Yeah, I think so - what's the HBC project council's mission again?

Me:  Oh, last week at the GBS team's weekly PSS meeting they explained how the HBC council will be working to refine the XPC's PSM ratings framework.  (Awkward pause) Oh, did you not make that meeting, Bob?  

Bob:  *Mumbles unintelligibly and shuffles away*

2.  Always be rushing somewhere.  Nothing gives the impression that you are very busy and important more so than being constantly in a hurry, even if you're just going to the kitchen to get a coffee to sip while reading gossip blogs back at your desk.  I once knew a woman in my office who jogged everywhere she went.  She would literally *sprint* from her desk to the printer - which was three feet from her desk - at least four times a day with such an expression of thunder on her face that one might imagine her printouts contained nuclear codes or the location of Osama Bin Laden's secret lair.  For over a year, we all assumed she was the busiest and most productive worker on our team - until one day, I happened to amble by while she was sprinting over to the printer and discovered her collecting a stack of Banana Republic "Friends and Family" discounts.  After watching her for a few days, I realized that most of her printouts were for coupons, movie or theater tickets, and pictures of her kids.  She still works at my company and has been promoted to manager.   

Well, I sure learned my lesson.  Today, when my Fandango ticket for the Dark Knight Rises was printing, I booked it over to that HP DeskJet in record time.  The admin who sits across the hall from me was visibly impressed.

3.  Know how to do v-lookup and a pivot table.  Excel baffles most people, me included.  However, I can do a v-lookup and a simple pivot table.  Therefore, most of my colleagues think that I am a GENIUS.  It has been scientifically verified that 98.23% of individuals outside of the Finance department at your company don't know how to do anything in excel other than scroll, add an autofilter, and look stuff up using ctrl-F.  However, if you can do a v-lookup, a pivot table, or both, and get someone to see you doing it, you will never, ever get fired.  Why?  Because, my friend, you have got mad technical skills that your department cannot lose.  That, at least, is what they will say in your performance review.  

And, finally, the most surefire tip of them all: 

4.  Stay signed into your work chat 24/7.  Sure, you won't actually be working, but there's no better way to show your team that you are a workaholic who puts the company's welfare above your sleep and personal sanity than that little dot next to your name being any color but grey at all hours.  Even the "orange" of idle is better than nothing, because, for all anyone else knows, you just stepped away to get coffee.  You'll be back!  Or maybe you're on a videoconference or a Skype call.  Who knows?  All anyone (and the IT department) knows is that you (or at least your computer, phone, or tablet) are connected to your corporate network at 3 a.m. PT on a Wednesday - and that shows commitment, damn it. 

Enjoy your corporate success!

  http://the-how-to.tumblr.com/

Insanity

Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."


So why, when it comes to gun control, are we 100% certifiably batshit insane? 


Every single time we read of another shooting massacre in the news, the debate begins, and then is almost immediately quashed by the gun lobby and the nerves of our political leaders who are terrified of upsetting the subset of the population that believes that pretty much anyone should be able to legally purchase 6,000 rounds of ammunition.  Politicians offer half-baked statements, celebrities compose grammatically sad tweets, the pundits' heads spin around 360 degrees, and after a few days the NRA bristles and flexes its muscles and everyone shuts up. 


The same rhetoric comes up every time: states rights, the 2nd amendment, the vision of the Founding Fathers (who never even conceived of automatic weapons, by the way), the spectre of tyranny, blah blah blah.  "If the victims had had guns, Mr. Psycho wouldn't have killed as many people"; "Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"; "From my cold, dead hands!"


By no means do I believe that Americans should not be able to purchase firearms for personal defense.  I personally would never want to own a gun, but I understand why someone would - if I were, say, a single woman in a remote urban area living alone in a corn field in an impoverished hovel, as opposed to a single woman in a crowded city with neighbors on top of me, I might feel differently about gun ownership for myself.  However, I simply do not understand why one needs an automatic or semi-automatic weapon and thousands of rounds of ammunition for self defense or hunting.  You don't buy that kind of weapon unless you believe your are going to to have the opportunity to shoot a shit ton of people.  And honestly, if you think that opportunity will arise, you are either a hardened criminal or YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY.  So why are we surprised when these weapons and ammo are purchased by crazy-ass mother fuckers who KILL A SHIT TON OF PEOPLE? 


This pattern will not change until we stop doing the same thing, over and over again. People will continue to die unnecessarily in tragedies like Aurora, Columbine, and Tuscon until we make it illegal for private citizens to purchase automatic and semi-automatic weapons.  


Don't get me wrong - gun control is not the only thing we need to get right in order to make gun homicides a thing of the past.  We need to address the poverty, unemployment, and cycle of gang violence that lead to so many violent ends of the young and helpless in our cities (Chicago is having a particularly tough year when it comes to gang violence).  We need to ensure that those in domestic situations where violence is a threat have an avenue to get out and get support and keep themselves and their relatives (often children) safe.  We need to lift everyone up educationally and economically; a rising tide keeps all afloat. 


But in the wake of Aurora, when everyone is saying it's "not the right time" to discuss gun control, I have to respond by saying FUCK THAT.  No, regulating automatic and semi-automatic weapons at a federal level won't stop all gun violence.  It won't stop all criminals from obtaining these weapons and killing people.  It won't necessarily prevent every potential psycho from killing innocent people in school, or at a movie theater, or on a crowded street.  However, *not* banning these weapons isn't working, either.  If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, we are definitely insane when it comes to gun control.  The fact of the matter is that every single weapon and piece of ammunition and equipment the shooter used in Friday's massacre was obtained legally.  How could a ban on the weapons and ammunition he used have made the situation worse?  How??  Experts have already noted that had his semi-automatic weapon not jammed in the middle of his spree, many more could have died.  Imagine how much less damage might have occurred if he hadn't had such a weapon on his person at all. 


Insane, isn't it?

27

So it's been a busy month - the holidays, my birthday, Katy Perry and Russell Brand's divorce, the return of Downton Abbey to American television. A series of truly watershed moments!

Christmas break was a two-week long sleep, food, and wine fest and it was AWESOME. Turning 27 was less awesome. As I confessed to several on my friends on the anniversary of my birth, that age always makes me think of Charlotte Lucas (Collins). For the 1.5 male readers of my blog, Charlotte Lucas is Elizabeth Bennet's best friend in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. She is, according to Ms. Austen, "a sensible, intelligent young woman, about twenty-seven," and her life SUCKS HUGE BALLS. She is, at 27, considered to be a near-spinster. She is plain and poor, and not particularly romantic. Her main accomplishment in the course of the novel is marrying a fat, stupid, and annoying parson after he is turned down by her friend and his cousin, Elizabeth. She ends up living a somewhat comfortable but sad existence, contriving ways to avoid her husband by sending him on errands in the parish and distracting him with the garden. Elizabeth, as anyone with a modicum of estrogen in their blood will know, ends up marrying Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy is rich, handsome, brilliant, and passionate. Elizabeth is twenty years old.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would REALLY like to not be Charlotte Lucas, but on this latest birthday I can't help but think of her. It's less about who, if anyone, I marry, but about accomplishment. In the world of Austen, marriage is accomplishment, and the younger you are when you accomplish the better (and less despicable) you are. Things aren't that different today, at least as far as accomplishment goes. You got Mark Zuckerface and all his kin making billions by age 22, and you gotta feel a little loserish when you're toiling away in a job that positively bores you and still have student loans to pay off. At age 27.

I know that this is just maudlin reflection and I've also had a few glasses of wine in preparation for tomorrow (a couple really hard meetings happening), but if there's anything I can take from it it's that I probably should spend less time thinking about Jane Austen characters. Seriously, they died at, like, age 40 and didn't have electricity. What the fuck did they know?! Moaaar wine!

For real, though, I want my 28th year to be better than my 27th. I'm not dead yet, but I'm not getting any younger and there really isn't time to waste. At least if I don't want to I don't have to marry a stupid fat parson, so, silver lining?