So the past few weeks have just been The Worst because of work. I'm tired, stressed, confused, disorganized and, somehow, completely and utterly bored. Absolutely nothing about what we're doing at work is interesting to me. No. Thing. Org stuff? Boring. People stuff? Boring. I honestly think my apathy is beginning to affect outcomes for individuals and the team, which is really bad objectivly, but personally I just don't give a shit lol. None of what I get paid to do seems to matter and the only reason I accomplish anything at all is to avoid getting yelled at by bosses, colleagues, clients or all of the above. My job is pretty much supposed to be about solving problems, both big and small, for teams and for individuals. Though these problems are annoying, they are at least supposed to be somewhat interesting, and they used to be. Now they just feel like another obstacle between me and my bed.
I know this isn't depression; I'm back on meds and they're doing their job (though being exhausted from the commute and the endless email/ping/call cycle is a factor). This is, quite simply, what my job has become and since my life as an almost-27-year-old single woman is, for better or worse, currently all about work I am just not happy and everything is The Worst. This is my life: I get up between 5 and 6:30 am, depending on meetings, shower and dress, pile into a crowded bus for an interminable shuttle ride to Mountain View with sometimes-annoying and/or smelly semi-strangers, so I can spend my day alternately staring at a screen or in meetings trying to solve problems I don't care about in order to avoid getting yelled at by people I mostly dislike. After anywhere from eight to twelve hours of this, I get into a somehow even MORE crowded bus for an even LONGER ride back to the city. I then work and watch TV and pass out by 11:30 pm. Rinse and repeat; this is my life. It is boring and exhausting and The Worst.
I don't know precisely what I'm going to do about it, but I can't do this much longer. I have exactly nine days until a much-needed vacation. I need to think things over and come out the other side of it with a solution. I'm wasting my life, quite honestly, doing something I really, really don't like and not even feeling useful while doing it. Change is a must.
And I know, it could be worse, I could be unemployed or live in a 3rd world country or be Herman Cain victim; I get it. I know I'm a privileged, entitled, white upper-middle-class Ivy-league-educated whiner. But since I don't really believe in a god or anything I really just have this life to be happy in, and I don't see the point in being so miserable anymore. I've pretty much been hating what I spend most of my time doing since college, and it needs to stop. Over time, this job has just become uninteresting and devoid of any happy moments, and so unless I start to get something out of it again I need to change. I'll keep you posted.
