1. Memorize all the acronyms. This doesn't necessarily mean you have know what all the acronyms represent; just remember the acronyms themselves and use them as often as possible. Why? Because nobody has the damnedest idea what any of them could possibly mean. However, if you throw enough of them around, you will *sound* as if you know what you're going on about, and people will treat you with reverence and fear. If anyone is ballsy enough to ask you to define an acronym, no problem - simply comply and define said acronym with yet another acronym. This has never failed me. For example:
Me: Hey, Bob, are you going to the sync at 1:30 on the GBS team's HBC project council?
Bob: Yeah, I think so - what's the HBC project council's mission again?
Me: Oh, last week at the GBS team's weekly PSS meeting they explained how the HBC council will be working to refine the XPC's PSM ratings framework. (Awkward pause) Oh, did you not make that meeting, Bob?
Bob: *Mumbles unintelligibly and shuffles away*
2. Always be rushing somewhere. Nothing gives the impression that you are very busy and important more so than being constantly in a hurry, even if you're just going to the kitchen to get a coffee to sip while reading gossip blogs back at your desk. I once knew a woman in my office who jogged everywhere she went. She would literally *sprint* from her desk to the printer - which was three feet from her desk - at least four times a day with such an expression of thunder on her face that one might imagine her printouts contained nuclear codes or the location of Osama Bin Laden's secret lair. For over a year, we all assumed she was the busiest and most productive worker on our team - until one day, I happened to amble by while she was sprinting over to the printer and discovered her collecting a stack of Banana Republic "Friends and Family" discounts. After watching her for a few days, I realized that most of her printouts were for coupons, movie or theater tickets, and pictures of her kids. She still works at my company and has been promoted to manager.
Well, I sure learned my lesson. Today, when my Fandango ticket for the Dark Knight Rises was printing, I booked it over to that HP DeskJet in record time. The admin who sits across the hall from me was visibly impressed.
3. Know how to do v-lookup and a pivot table. Excel baffles most people, me included. However, I can do a v-lookup and a simple pivot table. Therefore, most of my colleagues think that I am a GENIUS. It has been scientifically verified that 98.23% of individuals outside of the Finance department at your company don't know how to do anything in excel other than scroll, add an autofilter, and look stuff up using ctrl-F. However, if you can do a v-lookup, a pivot table, or both, and get someone to see you doing it, you will never, ever get fired. Why? Because, my friend, you have got mad technical skills that your department cannot lose. That, at least, is what they will say in your performance review.
And, finally, the most surefire tip of them all:
4. Stay signed into your work chat 24/7. Sure, you won't actually be working, but there's no better way to show your team that you are a workaholic who puts the company's welfare above your sleep and personal sanity than that little dot next to your name being any color but grey at all hours. Even the "orange" of idle is better than nothing, because, for all anyone else knows, you just stepped away to get coffee. You'll be back! Or maybe you're on a videoconference or a Skype call. Who knows? All anyone (and the IT department) knows is that you (or at least your computer, phone, or tablet) are connected to your corporate network at 3 a.m. PT on a Wednesday - and that shows commitment, damn it.
Enjoy your corporate success!
haha i'm guilty of number 4. i do that a lot haha, and i also know how to do a v-lookup and pivot table! i'm a baby genius! =)
ReplyDeleteIf work were a bar, doing v-lookups would have gotten me so laid so many times!
ReplyDelete