I spent this past week in NH with my family, just chilling out. I haven't been on vacation since Christmas, unless you count the two weeks of medical leave in February when my mom had to come stay with me in SF because my medication stopped working and I was severely depressed and generally not ok, which I don't. Overall, it wasn't very eventful - went to see some movies, slept a lot, went to the beach, slept some more, read a crappy novel, drank some wine, pet the dog, ate potato salad. It was nice.
I was supposed to leave this afternoon for SF from Logan. My parents very kindly drove me down to the airport. Online, it said my flight was only delayed an hour, but of course when I got there it was canceled due to terrible, terrible things happening. So now I am due to fly on Tuesday, all flights tomorrow being completely booked.
What was weird, though, is that my first emotion upon learning I couldn't fly out tonight was unadulterated panic at not being in the office tomorrow. I found myself freaking out, thinking, "But I have meetings! They will be mad if I am not there! I will get in trouble!" My heart rate rose and I started sweating like a damned pig. It took me five minutes to talk sense into myself and realize that I would just have to work remotely tomorrow and Tuesday morning and then fly back Tuesday afternoon and, you know, NO ONE WOULD DIE (and, also, probably no one would be mad). It would be fine. I re-booked my flight and came back home.
It got me thinking, though, about my relationship to my job. I have worked for my present company for six years (come August) and have always done well. I've been promoted several times and have more responsibility and all sorts of good stuff. I've only rarely had a manager who was weird about working remotely or scheduling issues or taking vacation. And yet, I'm ALWAYS terrified that I am going to get fired. Every. Single. Day. It's not a mild anxiety, mind you - it's a pure terror. Every quarter we get a performance review, and every quarter I hear some variation of the same story: "you're doing great, you have things to work on and here they are, but you are awesome at xyz and are great at these things so have a good quarter." And EVERY quarter, I dread that meeting as if it is the Red Wedding. I have nightmares about getting fired, thrown out on my ass, being told that I am terrible and useless and a waste of space. This past week, on vacation, I had a nightmare almost every night about work. The dreams are always similar: someone in a position of authority (one of my managers or a senior-level client) telling me that I've made a terrible mistake or messed something up and that they know this is a hard message to hear but today is my last day. And I wake up in a cold sweat and remember that it wasn't real...and fall back asleep to resume the next horror-firing scenario.
This isn't normal, right? Other people don't live in constant dread of losing their job for non-existent reasons? I mean, it would be one thing if my company weren't doing well and there were layoffs, or if I'd ever been given feedback that would lead me to believe that I was doing poorly, but...this is not the case. Like, it is not normal for me to say to myself: "Ok, there was a tragic crash at my home airport that means I will have to come home from my vacation a couple days later than planned and work remotely in the meantime - THEY ARE SO GONNA FIRE ME FOR THIS!" These are insane thoughts, right?
I'm not sure what to do about them. I guess I should talk to my therapist about it more openly (YES I AM A YUPPIE WOMAN IN SF WITH A THERAPIST, DEAL WITH IT) because what I'm really worried about is what is going to happen if and when I do get fired from a job one day. Let's be honest, it will probably happen - I'll be in a job that isn't right for me, or I'll get laid off, or the aliens will come to destroy us and all the employers will shut down because, you know, ALIENS. How will I react then? Will I collapse and never leave my bed again because something bad actually happened? Will I become a hippie barista and open a coffee shop that only serves organic coffee made from beans grown in a cave off the coast of Ireland and flown over to the U.S by kite? Will I join a startup (this last one seems most likely, actually)?
In any case, what I learned on my summer vacation is that I am batshit crazy per the usual, so...nothing new, I suppose. I'm off to bed soon to prepare for my day of working remotely and steeling myself for the inevitable firing ;)
As someone who also has more than a little anxiety (about my apartment flooding and a terrible cockroach infestation and not having a job lined up for the fall, at the moment), I totally understand your nightmares and (though to a lesser degree) fear that when things are not in your control to get you back to work, someone at work will get mad. As someone who has been laid off/fired/whatever, twice (though I don't really count Target because it was mostly because they realized I was going back to college after the summer), I can tell you that it is NOT the end of the world. Does it shatter your self-confidence? Yes, at least for awhile. I hadn't been making enough (or working long enough) to save money, so I had all sorts of anxiety about being able to pay rent and eat, etc., but in the long run, it's one of the best things that ever happened to me. If I hadn't been laid off from that job, I would probably still be working there, which might be okay, but I would not have stopped to reassess what career or job might better suit me, wouldn't have gone back to grad school, and wouldn't have become a teacher - which has been the greatest joy in my life. Nobody wants to get fired, and I'm sure you have nothing to worry about there because they should know by now that you're a rock star, but I wanted you to know that there's always a silver lining and that you would be fully able to make it and figure your life out, even if you do get laid off (or decide to quit a job you don't like), someday. Hang in there, chickadee. I'm glad you will be getting back to SF safe, and that you enjoyed your week in the best state in America. :)
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