Asshole alert! Also, sexism in the workplace.

So I've been in HR at a major tech company for nearly seven years, and throughout my tenure I've spent a lot of time putting on a smile and pretending to be nice to assholes.  Well, as of today, I'm done.

This morning, at the request of my client group, I gave a optional, extra, special, not-required-by-my-job presentation on new performance management practices to about 30 people live and on video conference.  These practices are controversial and are causing folks some consternation, which is acceptable.

What happened during the meeting, however, was not.

About halfway through the presentation, one of my senior clients got up, wrote a word he "didn't want to hear" from me anymore on the whiteboard in huge letters, and then crossed it out to demonstrate to me and the room (because I'm a fucking five-year-old kindergartener, apparently) that he really doesn't like that word and he doesn't want to hear it ever again!  He was visibly agitated the whole time, his eyes widening and his jowls shaking as he chastised me, his colleague, in front of his peers and direct reports, for the HR department being "the politburo." Of course, as all assholes who want to cover their asshole-ish asses do, he proceeded to clarify that he "wasn't directing any of this at me" but was "just so frustrated with the system," etc.  After holding back tears for the remainder of the presentation,  I tried to take him aside to give him some feedback about treating me like a 10 year old in front of a good chunk of his team.  He cut me off abruptly: "I know what this is about, and, you know, I apologize, but I'm just so frustrated..."  I told him that I found what he did humiliating, and that my hurt feelings were not related to what he said, but how he said it.  He cut me off again: "I don't understand why you feel that way!  I'm just frustrated about the process!"  We decided to talk more later.  He sent me one of those "sorry that you were offended" bullshit emails, and I repeated that we'd talk later in the week.  I didn't think I could look at his fucking face twice in one day.

I'm sure some people reading this would say that I'm overreacting.  That I'm too sensitive.  "He apologized, what's the big deal?"

I'll tell you what the fucking big deal is.

The big deal is that this man thinks it's ok, just because he's frustrated about an HR process, to belittle a colleague in front of his peers and reports.

The big deal is that these same peers and reports will now think it's ok to treat me the same way he does.

The big deal is this guy has a history of intimidating and bullying his coworkers, and he's never been disciplined for it.

The big deal is that my boss's response to it was, "That's too bad, I'm so sorry!"  In case you were wondering, my boss is also in HR.

The big deal is that if I were a man, this never would have happened.

Oh, yeah, I'm pulling the sexism card.  I'm fucking doing it.  And you know why?  Because it's in my hand, motherfuckers.

I've supported dozens of leaders over the years, nearly all of them men.  I have lost track of the number of patronizing, rude, and downright overtly sexist remarks and attitudes I've witnessed and experienced from almost every single one of them.

There was the guy who once referred to me as a performance management "dominatrix" in front of his team.  The guy who spent an entire meeting staring, quite obviously, at my chest while we were supposed to be discussing talent strategies.  The guy who called me "hot" to my fellow HR coworkers in the office while I was standing 20 feet away (this guy was also in HR, whaddya know!).  The countless, countless managers who have praised male workers for being aggressive go-getters while, in the same breath, suggesting their female reports "tone it down."  I could write a fucking book.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of female assholes, too, all over the place.  But while the majority of leadership positions in corporate America are held by men (and yeah, they mostly still are, especially in tech), the majority of assholes I work with will be men, too.  Leaning in is great and dandy, unless you want to avoid assholes and sexism, apparently.

That's the big deal.  Today, this man was such an asshole to me that he made me want to quit my job.  He looked down on me from his position of power and maleness and decided that it was ok to belittle me, the HR girl, because I am not powerful and not male.  And he taught a bunch of other people who look up to him (most of them male) that this is how they should treat me, too.

So I'm done being nice.  I will be Catbert the evil HR cat, if that's what these fuckers want.  I'll give back as good as I get.  I'll be the asshole.  Let's see how they like it.